#and making all these concessions so everyone can feel like safe

[parkinglothater]

feeling insane insane insane insane insane insane

[nana-au]

Best Friends Forever!

Suguru Geto ♡

MDNI

₊˚ପ⊹ Summary: You’re Suguru’s bff and roommate. You know him like the back of your hand – and he knows you the same, if not better! Some people may think you two are too close, but they just don’t understand. When you have a date planned and need help picking out your outfit, Suguru’s your guy! ...What’s this? He doesn’t want you to leave?

₊˚ପ⊹ Warnings: minor mention of blood, mention of pet death, possessiveness, jealousy, nipple play, thigh riding, fingering, making you beg, overstimulation, unprotected sex

₊˚ପ⊹ an: kicking and screaming and crying and throwing up and scratching my face I NEED HIM.

₊˚ପ⊹ wc: 2.8k

𓂃⊹ ִֶָ

BFF! Sugu who’s been by your side since before you can even remember! You grew up neighbors and when you both went off to college you got an apartment off campus together. It was only natural to be with Suguru. He was the only constant in your life – your anchor. 

BFF! Sugu who is so protective of you. How could he not? You two experienced life’s firsts together. You were there when Suguru took a nasty spill off his bike. His tears were hot down his face as you stayed by his side. You used the water bottle you kept on your own bike to flush the blood off his knee, giving it a quick peck. “My mom always says a kiss makes everything better. Do you feel better Sugu?” He nods his head, wiping the snot off of his face with his t-shirt. He was there when you lost your first pet and even though you were preteens and everyone made you feel dumb being sad over a goldfish - Geto made it a point to hold a funeral in his backyard. He dug a small grave for it - picking out the perfect rock for you to write its name on to place on top of its resting place. 

BFF! Sugu who makes sure you’re safe. He would never allow you to pump your own gas. He’s seen the type of guys who prowl around the gas station close to your home. He’ll make sure you get to sit pretty in the passenger seat while he fills up your car. Don’t worry about the price – he’ll take care of it. He always takes care of you. 

BFF! Sugu who knows everything about you. He knows all your favorites. Favorite color, favorite season, favorite food, favorite tv show… there was nothing that you liked that he was not aware of. He knows about things you wouldn’t be caught dead telling anyone else – trusting only your best friend. 

BFF! Sugu who is so so sooooo protective of you. Any guy he thought wasn’t the absolute best for you was quickly kicked to the curb. He’ll admit – sometimes the criteria was a little strict. The guy from your art class? His haircut was stupid. Shithead from your after school club? Believe him – he was a tool. Worst of all was the douche on your school’s baseball team. Suguru had quite the time getting you to see his point of view, but he didn’t dare say I told you so as you cried in his arms retelling the embarrassment of catching him cheating. 

BFF! Sugu who learns to relax in college. You were a woman now – you no longer needed his constant guidance. He would genuinely smile as you talked about all the friends you were making in your major. How funny your coworkers at the concession stand job you worked every football game were. The fact you had a date with a friend of a friend – your girl friend had vouched for him. He was a good guy. Geto was glad you had people looking out for you. He couldn’t wait to meet him. 

BFF! Sugu who helps you pick out the cute little outfits for your dates. You were so beautiful, that guy was truly lucky. But even his luck couldn’t match Suguru’s as you put on a little show for him – trying on every tantalizing option. 

BFF! Sugu who loved watching you dress up so much he bought you more. You didn’t even need a date to have a fashion show! He just loved seeing that color on you. Oh! – And don’t even get him started on the skimpy little dresses with the ruffles. They were made for you. He couldn’t decide whether your plump butt or your squishy boobs looked better hugged by the fabric. He had to use his large hand to hide the bite he gave to his bottom lip when your cute little panties peaked through the bottom of a particularly short one. “Maybe that one is good for around the house,” he proposed. 

BFF! Sugu who had to swallow his need when you begged him to rate your lingerie. “I didn’t realize you two were at that point in your relationship,” he would try to laugh off his distaste. 

“I’ve told him no to sex for so long, I’ve been thinking maybe it's time…” you trailed off. You played with the hem of your dress as you stood in front of Suguru on the couch. He was sunk comfortably into the loveseat, legs spread wide and one of his muscled arms stretching across the back of the couch. The other on the arm rest. “Ok princess. Let’s see the options,” he spoke.

BFF! Sugu who couldn’t make it through the first set. The white lace left little to the imagination, a black bow adorned above your cute mound. “You trying to make me sweat?” A dark chuckle broke through his lips. “Sorry?” you asked him, not hearing him correctly. How silly you were to think that just because he was a friend that made him any less of a man. A hot blooded man at that – with eyes that glued to your nipples visible through the thin fabric. “The dresses were one thing, princess, but this? Don’t play dumb,” his dark eyes were now impossibly black. You were staring into the voids that indiscreetly roamed your body. It was entirely silly of you to now try and hide yourself from his hungry gaze. 

BFF! Sugu who doesn’t let you leave. You were no match against his strong grip as he pulled you onto his lap. “You’re leavin’ me no choice,” he assured you, pushing you down hard against his thigh. You tried to push away but his hands on your waist locked you in. “No choice,” he reminded you. You swallowed thickly, realizing you were completely helpless as he began guiding your hips up and down his thigh. The rough material of your panties rubbing deliciously against your clit. “Sugu s-stop,” you begged him, all breathy and hot against his ear. “You want me to stop?” Of course! He was your best friend. You didn’t want him making you feel better than you ever thought possible by just rubbing your pussy against his leg. “But you look so cute like this,” he pouted at you, “Humping my thigh like a puppy. I’ll let go – but you better stop moving your hips,” he tutted at you. You didn’t have it in you to keep your eyes open to watch yourself continuously rut against him even after he removed his hands. It wasn’t your fault his muscled thigh felt more pleasurable than any toy you could ever buy. 

Geto had plenty of girls at your school talking about their experiences with him. You spent your entire teen years hearing about his ‘magical tongue’ and ‘horse dick’. For the majority of your life you had little interest in getting to experience that part of your best friend – that was until the bastard from the baseball team. The absolute snore fest he put on for your first time was jarring. Maybe you were so used to hearing how life-changing Suguru’s hips were that you had high expectations... 

No – you were not purposefully trying to get Geto to want you. He genuinely gave good advice when it came to what looked good on you. Ok so maybe you were pushing your luck with the lingerie – but Suguru was always so level-headed. It was scary how quickly he caved.

It was even more frightening listening to his taunts hot in your ear, “Why aren’t you stopping?” You couldn’t stop now – but you would. Just a little longer. You’d find the strength to stop soon. “Tell me you want me, or I’m stopping this,” he threatened and your form shook. “Please don’t,” you begged him. “Don’t what?” he lifted your chin, making you look at him “Don’t s-stop t-this,” you squeaked out.  

BFF! Sugu whose rumors were true. His tongue was magical. His hands flew down to your hips, helping you roll deliciously against the fabric of his sweats while his wet muscle was hot against your nipples. He used his teeth to pull down the fabric so he could taste your bare bud against his tongue. He suckled and licked your sensitive nipple causing your arousal to seep past the lace of your panties. You began to soak his sweatpants but he wasn’t gonna have you stopping anytime soon. He pulled your hips into tight circles against him, overwhelming your nub. His teeth nibbled at your nipple and you jerked up at the sudden shock. His grip was bruising and you wanted – no needed more. “Sugu.. more.. need more” you sounded so pathetic. 

BFF! Sugu who was left with little choice! His princess wanted more and more she was going to get. His head kissed your entrance, barely pushing in past the tip. You mewled, nails digging into his shoulders as he teased himself into you. “You think you can take me?” he asked you and you nodded fervently. He was thick and long – even his tip felt like he was tearing you in two. You wanted to be absolutely broken. “M-more Sugu,” you begged, trying to move your hips to sink down further. He kept you still – only allowing you to move if it was him dragging you down against him. Your slick was dripping down the rest of his cock, you were completely overwhelmed by the little attention he was giving you. One of his hands moved from your hips down to your clit, rubbing slow circles – barely ghosting above it. You were clenching on his fat tip and whining embarrassingly loud. He wanted to have you crying for his cock. He clicked his tongue at you, “I’m not convinced enough you want my cock.” He looked so unaffected as you shook, “I do! I need it, Sugu,” tears fell down your cheeks as you desperately tried to convince him.   

BFF! Sugu whose hips slapped against yours at a brutal pace. He had you pinned into the loveseat, head down and ass up. A creamy ring formed at the base of his unrelenting cock. Drool was seeping from your mouth and onto the couch, the only thing you could think about was the way he was pounding into that gummy spot that made you dizzy. “No one could make you feel this way,” he promised you, “this pussy was made for me.” His pace was bruising, his balls slapping against your clit. He pulled your hips up farther, making you arch your back. Everything was so noisy – the sound of you meeting his hips, the squelch of his cock pulling in and out, and his grunts each time he felt his tip kiss your cervix. Geto looooved watching you take him so well. Each time his cock disappeared inside of you, only to reappear as he roughly dragged out of you. He didn’t know if you were purposefully squeezing him each time his hips pulled back. Were you trying to keep him buried deep? “Your date won't mind if I leave my cum in you, right?” he teased you – knowing full well you wouldn’t be going anywhere after he was done with you. “Dripping out of your pussy at dinner,” you couldn’t fathom him being able to laugh right now. “What would you even tell him?” he was imagining the scene playing out in his mind, “My roommate thought I was looking a little empty. Needed to stuff me full,” His smile lazy thinking about how he was claiming you tonight. He was fucking your tight little hole deliciously, making sure you could never be satisfied by anything other than his cock. You pushed your hips into his, making sure he reached as deep as possible. “You want to cum, princess?” he picked up his pace – which you didn’t even think was possible – your tits bouncing at each thrust of his hips. You nodded, pleading for him to make you cum. “God – cum on my cock. Want t’feel you squeezin me,” the rough pad of his finger met your clit, helping your pleasure meet its peak. “I’m cumming, Sugu,” you cried out to your best friend. 

BFF! Sugu who wasn’t done with you once you came. You tried to claw at his hands on your hips, begging him to slow down. The tension in your tummy snapped, cumming undone loudly around him. He paid no mind to your pleas, “You can take more. You’re a good girl, I know you can.” He didn’t ever want to leave your snug pussy. He would fuck you all day if that’s what it took for him to feel satisfied. “Give me another, baby. Cum on my cock one more time. I know you can,” he was so filthy. You never had a guy dirty talk to you the way Geto was. He was demanding and unrelenting. It was alarming how much you enjoyed the filth leaving his lips. “How could you tell me to stop when she’s gripping me so tight – pussy doesn’t want to let go of me.” he threw his head back, “”S your fault I’m pounding you like this. I couldn't let you get away with showing me that little number.” The lingerie he was referring to was on the floor below you two, ripped into pieces from when he tore it off your body. He completely pulled out of you – leaving your pussy uncomfortably empty before flipping you over and folding you in half. He placed the back of your knees on his shoulder, wasting no time pushing himself back into you. The new angle took your breath away. His heavy frame held you down as his cock was unrelenting. When you looked down you could see his length slide in and out of you, your cute little pussy lips swallowing him whole. Your arousal coated his cock – all thick and creamy. You felt like you could pass out from the sight – not thinking it was possible to be so wet. His thumb reached down to your clit, rubbing harsh circles on it. “C’mon baby. I’m addicted to the way you squeeze my cock. Let me feel you cum again. Need it, princess,” he begged. He was slowly losing all control. You were so perfect underneath him, taking him like the good girl he always knew you were. You were wrecking him. Your sounds were so cute – choking back sobs as he fucked you to another peak. You were begging for him to cum inside you. You wanted to feel him coat your walls in his sticky juice. “Gonna pump you full,” he promised you. “Gonna feel so good stuffed full with my cum.”

BFF! Sugu who can’t stand watching his semen leak out of you. You were completely fucked out – chest heaving as you laid on the couch. Geto was still holding your legs up, trying fruitlessly to push his juices back inside of you. 

BFF! Sugu who needs to make sure you keep all of it. He didn’t even wait for you to regain your energy before his thick fingers are deep inside of you. “Can’t let a single drop go to waste,” he tells you. He curls his thick digits, pushing against the squishy spot that makes you see stars. “No more,” you breathlessly say. “Just one more. Need to make sure it all keeps,” you are completely overstimulated. The feelings of his fingers are heightened by your two orgasms – which only makes you come undone even faster. His fingers are lightening fast and your pussy sounds like it's made of water. It’s so loud and wet and you just can’t help yourself from cumming again. You’re thrashing against his unrelenting fingers, crying loud enough that your neighbors definitely hear. “That’s it. S’good for me,” he’s emotional watching you come undone so many times by his doing. You were his. His, his, his. 

BFF! Sugu who doesn’t even have to tell you to cancel your date. You couldn’t pick your head up after he was done with you. You were staying home with him – where you belonged. 

[fortunatelyannoyingcrown]

R*pesand/Feyrat Stans roast time!!!

We all know Rapesand and Feyfoo's Stans are some of the most stupid people in the acotar fandom, lacking basic common sense and hypocrisy that can't be rivalled, but I have to make a special mention of this dumbass in particular, I found on reddit....

(I'm feeling especially mean today, and this is going to be a hypocrisy exposé so bear with me, when I give it to users like this one and others who exist to give a poor name to fans online and make me facepalm so hard)

You can clearly tell from responses like these that Feyrat Stans have the common sense and brain capacity of a fucking furniture, but just for dumbasses like Koalafied Captain, let me break down a couple of things:

a)Tamlin, as the high lord of an entire kingdom has the goddamn right to stop any civilian in his kingdom, who poses a threat to his soldiers, fighting his battle for him.Your bitch of a fave, Feyre, was doing exactly that, threatening to run into a fucking military operation, where she can't protect herself and also would be a bloody danger to everyone else.The fact that the bitch thought, she could just easily disobey the orders of a lord and endanger the lives of everyone else because she was whining about wanting to go out is quite possibly the most selfish thing anyone can ever do.It was trauma induced, but it was fucking selfish and Feyre, being unable to think about anyone else other than herself was peak selfishness full fucking stop.

And Tamlin only locked her up, after she repeatedly refused to heed his no, several times because, yes sweetie, it was dangerous AF for her to be involved in a military operation without any training of her powers.Even before that, Tamlin was perfectly okay with Feyre going out and doing whatever TF she wanted, all he needed was for her to take an escort with her, because guess what?SC was haunted by Amarantha's monsters, and it was bloody fucking dangerous for Feyre to be out on her own, especially as an untrained Fae.This basic concession being impossible for Feyre to accept, shows how immature, inconsiderate and frankly, stupid she is.And that is, along with the fact that, the bitch is unable to respect boundaries, as clear from how she can't accept a no, no matter what.Fuck her, a million times, just for that🖕🏾

And yes, Feyre stans, let's get back to your favorite master saviour, the one y'all claimed "freed Feyre"(Even though he r*ped her to make that happen).The only reason why R*pesand was able to "free her", was because he was literally keeping her in a fucking hidden city that no one knows about, and also, it was not being haunted therefore making it a safe place for Feyre to be.Lol,.that's not even on him, Velaris has been hidden for centuries, because of the work, his ancestors did, R*pesand as the high lord does fuck all for his court.He doesnt work, therefore having time to be all up in Feyre's business lol

So yeah, Feyre was trapped in Velaris, which is slightly bigger than Tamlin's mansion.Congrats Feyre, you officially moved from one place, you claimed was such a "prison" into a bigger one.🥴.

Let's not get into the whole abusive AF situation that was the pregnancy.

As for, the abuse "apologies" that we give that you keep whining about, babes, you need to look at your own responses.Whining about Tamlin losing control, when your fave did it twice, injuring the LoA, R*pesand does it constantly, with Nesta and everyone else, even going so far as to threaten to kill her, Feyfoo, being a disgusting murderous, genocidal c*nt, just like Amarantha, sexually abusing Lucien and destroying Tamlin's life out of spite, and guess what's even funnier?She did the exact same things to Nesta that she was crying about Tamlin doing to her, two books prior.Lol, what a sorry little hypocrite.

And guys, it is especially funny,.to read all of Koalafied Captain's responses, justifying Rhysand's abuse:

a)"Oh but, he was behaving like a Fae, whose mate was pregnant"- Oh so that justifies his abuse of Feyre and Nesta?

b)"Oh Rhys was so tortured and sexually abused wah wah"- well well well, look at how the abuse apologist is abuse apologizing right now🤣🤣🤣

Can everyone in the NC, do something, a magic ritual maybe, to grow a few brain cells in their High lady's head?Her critical thinking levels are not even zero, they are in the negatives at this point, and that doesn't bode well for the citizens of that court.

Because bitch, how are you going to claim, you were abused in a previous relationship, and move onto an even worse abuser.Feyre's such a stupid buffoon, I tell you🤣🤣🤣

As for the stans like the one in the ss, how much else, are you going to do and how much more are you going to embarass yourself, because you are so busy dickriding, a rapist like Rhysand.Do me a favour, and please fuck all the way off, and keep Tamlin's,name out of your bloody mouths

So yeah,to all the Feyre stans, who excuse that bitch's crimes against humanity.Spare me all the BS.Y'all don't have a leg to stand on here, not when your faves have committed much worse crimes, and have behaved even worse than Tamlin has ever done.Guess what bitches?Feyre was abusive towards Tamlin, Nesta and Lucien.

So, yeah cry me a river about us Tamlin Stans being "abuse apologists", lol when people like you exist, who are genocide/abuser/rape apologists to the fucking extreme.Also, I wish Tamlin had slapped the shit out of Feyre, atleast then the abuser tag on him would have been deserved, and I could happily watch bitches like you, whine about it for ages🖕🏾🖕🏾🖕🏾...

Spare me all of the fake righteous indignation about us "excusing abuse" when you sit there and excuse, every single one of R*pesand's abuse of Feyre, SA, medical abuse, physical abuse(he literally checks every single box lol, what a POS, SJM just kill him already), and Feyfoo's own abusive and controlling behaviour towards other people.I know I'm(and people like me are ) on the right side, when I am not defending war criminals, rapists and manipulative liars. Y'all should worry about yourself

[tgmsunmontue]

From the top 1/6

IceMav, (eventual) Explicit, (background Hangster who are already established). Set post-TGM. (No dead Ice obviously).

Featuring not-mistaken identities (where they (Ice and Mav) pretend to be in the dark for REASONS), Ice is Jake's Uncle Tom, Mav is Bradley's Dad, everyone knows everyone, (un)requited love, coming out as an older person, and a little bit of a circus-vibe where Ice has a horrible realization that this is indeed his circus and these are also his monkeys.

An AU where Mav married Carole and adopted Bradley to make things easier legally. A USNA Bradley who has been very careful to separate Dad/Pete from godfather/Maverick. They had an argument prior to TGM, but it was around Maverick being careless with his life (RE: Darkstar because Bradley got the call that Maverick was missing, presumed dead). So it was about risk taking and thinking while flying, so that was happening and Bradley admits to the Dagger Squadron that Maverick is his godfather and they have a ‘complicated relationship’ which isn’t a lie per se, however it’s… complicated.

                He and Bradley haven’t reached the stage yet where they’ve met any of each other’s family. They haven’t even introduced each other to their friends as boyfriends yet, and their circle of friends overlap. And he’s okay with that. More than okay actually. Doesn’t quite know how he’d broach the whole by the way I’m sort of related to the COMPACFLT through my mom conversation. He’s close with Tom now, closer than he is to any of his mom’s other cousins that’s for sure. Idolized him when he was young, and now also holds a deep-rooted respect and affection for the man. It had also helped knowing he had someone to look to as a role model, someone who was gay in the Navy and got so high up no-one could do anything to him now. Jake wanted that. Badly.

                But he also kind of wants his Uncle Tom to be happy. Although, hell, for all he knew he could have had a secret lover all these years. If anyone could keep it hidden it’s Uncle Tom, face quiet and impassive, unmoving and unflinching. He’d really hoped for a callsign half as cool as Iceman, and even if Uncle Tom jokes that he does have a literal half with man, he wishes he didn’t have the connotations of Hangman, even if it’s because of fucking song lyrics he was forever quoting and now twisted into something that make people assume things before they even know him.

                Not that he really has that problem now, with the Dagger Squadron being made a permanent detachment and with them all knowing each other so well now. They know he’s got their backs when it actually comes down to it. And he likes being based where his Uncle Tom is, because while he’s meant to be based in Hawaii they’ve made some concessions due to his cancer treatment. He knows their entire family is grateful, not least his Aunty Sarah. God, he knows it’s the high of surviving a literal suicide mission but life feels so good right now. He’s expecting Bradley to turn up any minute, they’ve got plans for dinner and a movie and then sex, not necessarily in that order.

                When he opens his door and Rooster is there, he can’t help the little happy swoop his insides do and he lets Bradley kiss him hello.

                “Hi.”

                “Hi. How are you?”

                “Good. Little annoyed… my dad is talking about getting back together with an ex…”

                “Is this the ex you like, or don’t like?”

                “You can safely bet money that it’s nearly always an ex I don’t like. I don’t think he’s ever had a relationship with anyone I’ve actually liked… shit that’s depressing.”

                “Maybe you just have really high standards for him?”

                “You mean unlike for myself, where my standards are really low?”

                “Hey!”

                They end up play-wrestling which quickly morphs into not-play making-out and yeah, the sex comes before dinner but he was sort of banking on that, making food that would be perfectly fine just staying warm in the oven. They end up curled around each other on the sofa, queuing up a movie and Jake asks about his day. Listens as Bradley talks about going out to Maverick’s hangar to work on the plane, having lunch with his dad and he wonders if Maverick has met Bradley’s step-dad. Obviously he must have, he’s been around even longer, although it must be weird to have two people called Pete wandering around, he guesses that’s why Bradley calls Maverick Maverick, and his step-dad dad. Stops the confusion.

                He knows Maverick and Bradley had a falling out of some sort, they’d been very angry with each other. He figured out that Maverick flew with Bradley’s dad, was the pilot when his dad died, and he’d thought it had been that. But then Bradley had dropped the bombshell that Maverick was his godfather and they’d had a fight over something he can’t talk about, but they would be fine. So Jake hasn’t pushed wanting to also hang out with Maverick, because when Bradley talks about the P-51 and the hangar his fingers itch but he gets Bradley wanting to mend bridges with his godfather.

                More than that though he wants to meet Bradley’s step-dad, doesn’t understand Bradley’s reticence about introducing them. It’s not like he’s going to care. But they’ve only been doing this, whatever it is, for a couple of weeks, which he guesses is early days, but with everything they’ve gone through in the last couple of months it also feels like several lifetimes. Then again, he’s in no rush to introduce Bradley to Uncle Tom, so maybe it’s for the best they wait a few weeks. Or months.

                “You still thinking about your dad?”

                “Yeah. I just need to get him seeing someone else. Anyone to take his mind off getting back with Georgia. Or any of his exes for that matter. Georgia especially is… well. I have no idea what she gets out of sleeping with Dad. She’s anti military for a start.”

                “The fact that she gets to sleep with him?”

                “Ew, gross…”

                “Maybe she thinks she can convert him to a non-military life one blowjob at a time…”

                “You could try that on me you know, see if you can convince me to do something with a blowjob…”

                “Don’t think I need the promise of a bj to convince you to do anything,” Jake says with a grin. “You know, my uncle Tom is gay, maybe we could set them up? Well, assuming your dad swings both ways?”

                “Huh. Yeah… He does. Keeps that pretty much on the down-low, very much on a need to know basis. Pretty sure I only know because I saw him trying to sneak a guy out when I was seventeen. Did make me feel safer about coming out to him myself though.”

…            …            …

                “Jake, I am not installing Grindr on my phone, work, personal or otherwise.”

                “Thought you might say that, so I bought you a burner. Well, please don’t actually burn it, but you know what I mean.”

                “Jake…” Tom lets out an exasperated sigh. “I wouldn’t burn it. I know what a burner is. I’m not an idiot. I just don’t want to go on a date…”

                “Okay, so you don’t actually have to go on a date. All my cards on the table. I’m using the app to introduce you to the step-dad of my… uh, a friend.”

                “A friend huh? Is this the same friend you won’t introduce to the family?”

                “Yes. The exact one. Anyway, I just want you to send him a couple of messages. Let’s say ten messages. After that you can go back to ignoring it, remove the battery from the phone and pretend it never happened. Okay?”

                “Will you let it go if I do this?”

                “I mean… yeah. I hope you make a friend or something, but he’s military as well, so you guys have something in common at least…”

                “Fine. But I want the name of your friend.”

                “No! You’ll just look him up.”

                “He’s Navy?”

                “No!”

                “He is! Good job.”

…            …            …

                “Bradley! Why is Grindr amongst my recently installed apps!”

                “I’m setting you up!” Bradley calls out, grabbing two beers to go with their takeout Chinese.

                “I don’t need setting up. I can find my own dates. I don’t need an app!”

                “Yes, you do. You can’t get back with Georgia just because you’re lonely. Look, I’m not going to make you swipe through dick-pics…”

                “Maybe I want to swipe through dick-pics!”

                “Mav, be serious! You just said you didn’t want the app!”

                “Seriously? You’re the one that installed Grindr on my phone.”

                “God, maybe this was an awful idea.”

                “Yeah, you think?”

                “Okay, give me a second,” Bradley mutters, rolling his eyes and pulling his own from his pocket and thumbing into his contacts.

                “Hi… how’s it going?” Jake asks, voice quiet, and he must still be at his Uncle’s house.

                “Not well. You think we can maybe just set them up with an app that blocks their numbers and then just let them talk that way?”

                “Can’t hurt to try… your dad resisting the Grindr approach too huh?”

                “So much. And I get it, HE’S REALLY OLD,” Bradley says, raising his voice while looking Mav dead in the eye.

                “Hey! I heard that!”

                “You were meant to!”

                He ignores the glare Mav shoots him and pokes his tongue out at the back of his head as he walks away.

                “Okay, let’s see what we can find. I’ll message you and let you know.”

                “Sure thing.”

                Fifteen minutes later Jake has sent him the information, an end-to-end encrypted messaging app, one which hides the number of the phone sending the message. It’s silent and has to be manually opened to check for notifications, which is very old-school but means there’s no potential odd sounding pings. The icon is a mundane looking tower symbol and he guesses that could mean anything.

                “Okay Mav – you need to give this guy a chance okay? Please?”

                “What’s in it for me?”

                “I will stop bothering you about… uh… your love life for six months?”

                “No deal. I want to meet the guy you just rang. Who’s he in all this?”

                “Uh… I guess he’s my boyfriend.”

                “Ooohhh… it’s new huh? You’re in that new loved-up stage where you want everyone around you to be in the same stage.”

                “Uh, I mean we’ve known each other for years, but we’ve recently… come to an arrangement.”

                “Is it boyfriends or friends with benefits?”

                “Well, we weren’t exactly friends before, so definitely closer to boyfriends I guess,” Bradley says, carefully skirting the fact that Mav actually already knows Jake quite well.

                “Great. I’ll send what, ten messages to this guy and then I get to meet your guy in two weeks.”

                “No! Three months. And twenty messages.”

                “You realize you can’t force me to do anything right? You have no bargaining power here?”

                “I know, but… for me?”

                “Ugh… sad cow eyes. Fine fine, put them away. I’ll message the guy. But I do want to meet your guy when you feel the timing is right.”

                “Yeah, of course.”

                God he hopes this works because he has no idea if Mav will like the fact he’s with Jake or not.

…            …            …

                They meet up every week when they’re both in the same place, and it’s been a treat these last few months, but also a trial. Usually the distance has been a unintended blessing, making his unfortunate case of unrequited love easier to ignore. When he was younger he’d thought it was just a crush, that it would just… fade away. Instead the opposite has happened, time and distance have hardened and solidified similar to how pressure and temperature turn limestone into marble his love for Maverick is a solid and unmoving object that is ever present. Every time Mav walks through his front door he has to fight the urge to enfold him in his arms and just hold him. Every time.

                “Did you ever want kids of your own?” Pete asks and Tom startles, looks across at him.

                “No. I have nieces and nephews and cousin’s kids coming out my ears. They’re enough trouble to be getting on with, without adding my own genes to the mix. Wasn’t ever going to happen anyway,” he tacks on, and he wonders if this, today, this moment, will be the time it twigs and Mav will ask what he means.

                “Too much trouble by half. Do you know what Bradley did the other day? Installed a dating app on my phone.”

                “What? Why would he do that?”

                “He thought I was considering getting back with Georgia for some reason.”

                “And you’re not?”

                “No. Anyway, he’s trying to set me up with someone. At least you don’t have to worry about that.”

                “You’d be surprised. My cousins kid bought me a phone, a burner phone, with a dating app installed on it.”

                “Oh yeah? Which one?”

                Tom swallows.

                Okay.

                No more subtle hints.

                It’s now or never.

                “Grindr.”

                He didn’t purposely wait for Mav to have a sip of his drink, but he still sprays it out across the coffee table, eyes bugging out and he can’t seem to look Tom in the eye and he feels his stomach start to sink.

                “You… ah… you know that app is for gay guys right?”

                “I’m aware.”

                Pete just stares at him and he wonders if this is it. The moment his best friend just gets up and walks out of his life.

                “You never told me.”

                “You never asked.”

                “Yeah well, there was a whole thing about not asking and not telling until about ten years ago so… sorry if I thought you’d have maybe mentioned it. Or at least… alluded to it.”

                “I did Pete. With something called subtlety. I know it’s not your strong suit, but I tried to leave it there in the open for you to pick up on. I’m only just… getting to the grips with the idea of being more out.”

                “Okay. Uh. Does anyone else know?”

                Tom snorts.

                “Yeah, my whole family for a start. Had to get them to stop trying to marry me off. Slider of course.”

                “Why of course? Why Slider?”

                “He’s known me for a very long time.”

                “I’ve known you for a long time.”

                He doesn’t want to mention that Slider figured it out, because he’s had to learn to be subtle, and his weak point has and will always be the man in front of him. And he can never let him know. Still, Mav sounds annoyed.

                “Slider figured it out. He’s too perceptive for his own good,” Tom mutters, because he’s also the one person who knows about his lifelong torch bearing.

                “Huh. Okay.”

…            …            …

                Tom locks the house up, Mav having left to go home after Tom had soundly beaten him at chess. He knows it isn’t one of Mav’s favorite games, that he really only plays to humor Tom and give them something to do while they talk… his brain is catching on something and it’s going to bother him until he figures it out. Pete. Playing chess simply to spend more time with him...

                He stops.

                Blinks.

                Pete had said Bradley had installed a dating app on his phone.

                Within a day of Jake giving him a phone with Grindr installed, which quickly morphed to a simple encrypted messaging service.

                He’s learnt to not ignore his gut and this is deeply suspicious with the coincidence.

                He wonders if Jake and Bradley are dating. The idea of that makes him smile, even if it’ll cause an administrative nightmare. He knows they know each other, they’re part of the same squadron and there are rules, however it wouldn’t surprise him at all if both Bradley and Jake decided that that particular rule was for other people.

                Wait.

                He suddenly needs to know which app it is exactly that Bradley installed and he has his phone in his hand ringing him before he even considers the time of night, or where Bradley might be right now.

                “Hey Uncle Ice… Everything okay?”

                “Hey Bradley. Sorry for the late call, Just, uh, Mav mentioned you installed a dating app on his phone. You mind telling me which one it was?”

                “Uh… Grindr. Why?”

                “Oh. No reason. Just curious Thanks. Have a good night.”

                Why would Bradley install Grindr.

                Maverick’s not gay.

                To his knowledge Maverick isn’t even bisexual. Or anything else that might imply he’s anything other than overwhelmingly heterosexual.

                Maverick didn’t say anything tonight when he learnt about Tom’s own sexuality.

                Maybe Bradley knows something Tom doesn’t.

                Scratch that.

                Bradley definitely knows something Tom doesn’t.

CHAPTER TWO

[fefesoutsiderstuff]

Soc September 2024 - Autistic Cherry :D

Submitting for @socseptember

"What have we done?" Cherry asked no one in particular, staring at the fountain. It was at that exact location Bob Sheldon - her boyfriend - ex? - had been fatally stabbed. And she couldn't stop looking. Why wasn't there any police tape? Why did this happen? Why did Bob drink, why couldn't she handle the crowded drive-in like everyone else, what did having her hands squeezed do that made it all quieter, what did everyone else want from her?

"We were only having fun," Paul said miserably.

Cherry wasn't good at detecting lies, but she could say with absolute certainty that that was bullshit. "You were only having fun?" she asked incredulously.

"We were only having fun. Just hanging out. Just horsin' 'round. Doin' what we've always done."

Deep breath, deep breath. But instead, there was an indignant squeak. "Fun? A five-on-two fight is fun? Drowning a fourteen-year-old boy is fun? And what did you expect? Johnny got jumped a week ago, and guess who did it!"

"Bob went crazy when he saw you with that greaser kid," Paul... growled? It wasn't really growly, but if it had sounded like it hurt his throat, it would have been. "You held his hand at the concession stand."

Cherry backed away as her friends - they were still her friends, right? They couldn't stop being her friends without saying so, right? - approached her threateningly and the cacophony of reprimanding began.

Loud. Too loud. Too loud. Oh, fuck-

And then it hit her. Way too late as she was now hunched forward with her hands over her ears being yelled at to look at them and explain herself and all those things she couldn't do.

"Are you all... mad at me?"

Pause.

"Are you out of your mind?" Beverly yelled. "Yes, we're mad! How did it take you that long to figure it out?" she screamed as Cherry stared at the ground, stifling sobs. "Bob wasn't jealous! You can't hold someone else's hand! You of all people should know this with all your righteous indignation-"

"I can explain," Cherry whispered, not that anyone heard her. "I can explain. I can explain." The phrase lost meaning as she mumbled it to herself and, too tired and overwhelmed to maintain her facade, settled onto the ground, dropping Bob's letterman jacket behind herself.

And she rocked.

Back and forth, she shifted her weight, knees hugged against her chest.

It might have been freeing under different circumstances. But it wasn't. It was a terrifying feeling of helplessness and shame and fear.

Cherry was petrified.

Everyone was staring at her. But she was alone. And she always would be.

"Cherry, what the fuck is this?"

Oh, gosh, how could she ever explain this?

"Uh... what the fuck is what?" she asked. "Am I allowed to say fuck right now? Is that okay?"

"Why are you rocking back and forth like a crazy person?"

Cherry blinked. Then she cracked. Then she shattered. "I don't know!" she sobbed. "The world is too loud and everyone is doing fine but I'm not and I try, I really do, but sometimes, I just need a hand squeeze because drive-ins are too loud! And I don't like parties because they're loud and people-y and they mess up my routines and I always end up doing something wrong because what am I supposed to do? No one tells me these things! And now I broke up with my boyfriend and he got himself killed and everyone is screaming at me because I needed a squish! Is that too much to ask for? Is it too much to ask that after a whole thirty hours of pretending to be normal while having a panic attack, I get emotional support from the one person I felt safe enough to be myself around?"

She finally looked up and saw everyone staring at her. But she couldn't stop. "The entire time I've known any of you, I've been pretending. Because normal people are nothing like me. Normal people don't make nests around themselves in bed at night and sleep with their hands under their chins. And I only realized that after a sleepover with Marcia in third grade when she just flopped onto her side and went to sleep! Y'all don't stay up for half an hour writing stories in your head and scripting out responses for everything anyone could ever possibly say to you the following day! How?"

There was no response for a while.

Then Marcia dropped into the grass beside Cherry. "That's... why?"

"I think you're cool," Cherry whined between sobs. "And I wanted you to think I was cool. But I'm not. I'm a dork. I'm sorry you have to deal with this. You shouldn't have to. I'm just really tired so I can't pretend to be a functional human anymore. And I wore the bad socks today."

"The bad socks?" Beverly asked confusedly.

Marcia looked at Beverly and shook her head, whispering "Don't make her explain right now," before returning her attention to her distressed friend. "You wore the bad socks today?"

"I wore the bad socks today. I wanna crawl out of my own skin and become a cat. I don't like being a human. Humans are weird and complicated. Cats don't make themselves think they're having an allergic reaction without actually having an allergic reaction."

"No, they don't," Marcia said softly. "But cats also can't read."

"I wanna be a literate kitty cat."

"Okay, well, I'm sorry. I can't help you with that, but how about we take some deep breaths, okay? Breathe with me?" Marcia asked before taking a deep, exaggerated breath through her nose. "Good. Aaaand, out through the mouth."

A few moments went by. "I actually liked when Dallas brought up the cicada thing. Not like that, but I like information. He sounded really knowledgeable about bugs."

"He did?"

"Yeah."

Marcia nodded understandingly. "I bet you wanted to talk to him about sciencey things."

"I did. Thank goodness you told me to ignore him. Oh, wait, we're on the floor, what- this isn't correct. This isn't correct at all," Cherry rambled, struggling to her feet.

"You wanna get up? We can go home and you can talk to me about bugs?" Marcia asked, following suit and brushing off her dress.

"I don't know much about bugs, actually. But I do have an uncomfortable amount of knowledge surrounding the Middle Ages. Women weren't actually baby factories; virginity was the cool thing."

The rant continued for a while. Marcia listened patiently.

And for all the grief that weekend came with, Cherry felt a thousand times lighter than ever before.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------Yap to me about this. Please yap to me about this. Comments. Questions. Concerns. Anything.

UPDATE: she has an rp blog now: @/cherryv

[twopoppies]

Hi Gina, I hope you're as well as you can be considering everything that's happened.

I'm a bit late saying this, but I'm so sorry about the election results! I truly hope with my whole heart something is going to be done about all the shady things that were going on. I live in Europe and while it affects me to a degree and really scares me, I can't imagine how absolutely terrifying this must be for you. I'm holding onto hope that trump never gets to set foot in the white house again (nor vance for that matter) and it's all going to be alright.

I followed the election pretty closely, and though I was anxious about the results, I was hopeful the map would turn a pretty shade of blue. All of the predictions I saw said either that it will be very close, or that harris would have an easy win. NONE of them even mentioned the possibility that it would be an easy win for trump... let alone him winning the popular vote! Mind boggling. And quite frankly, I don't believe it. There's no way that thing (*disgusted*) would actually have won in a fair election after everything. I'm convinced it was rigged and refuse to believe otherwise. The question is whether anyone will/can do something about it. I've heard some people say that harris was way too calm during her concession speech for it to be over, and took it to mean they didn't accept the results and are doing something about it. They said trump is very uncharacteristically silent on x and him not boasting about the election results is suspicious. While I'm not familiar with his posting habits, I hope they are right and people are taking action and investigate behind the scenes. In any case, I hope you stay safe and I'm sending you and everyone who might need it a big hug. My thoughts are with all of you🤍

Thank you so much, darling. I’m not sure if I’m just living in delusion, but I really feel that no one with brains believes the numbers Trump pulled. None of it makes sense. I have to believe Kamala and her team have been expecting him to do something like this (he basically broadcast it, saying people didn’t even need to vote, they’d have the votes anyway etc)

The silence on both sides is very strange. Her immediate concession was strange. I really do think everyone working against Trump is doing everything they can to prove he did what we all suspect he did.

Thank you for the good thoughts. We certainly can all use them. 🩷

[fuck-customers]

I work in housekeeping, and the supervisors there are like. fucking horrible. We have the manager, who does fuck all to deal with the supervisor drama, and then we have 3 supervisors,

Supervisor J is lovely, I love her, she's the greatest manager type I've ever had (not the highest compliment when you know I've only worked two jobs but still) and she is amazing at trying to solve our issues and make this job as smooth as possible for everyone.

Supervisor T is iffy, but that's mostly just because of her connection to Supervisor D, we all feel she'll report anything we say back to D, so we can't talk to T.

Supervisor D is a fucking problem. She's gotten multiple people fired because she just fucking lies about them (me almost being one of those people), she has these stupid little cliques, she tries to get everyone against J, because she thinks J is vying for the Manager job, when J literally just wants us to be able to do our job efficiently, she sit in the office doing Fuck All all fucking day, and she just doesn't make any of us not in her little clique feel like this job is a safe/healthy work environment. (it's not safe for other reasons (namely the borderline p*do on staff which I'll probably complain about in a different ask) but D here is the MAIN reason why)

She got one of our runners fired for 'not doing his job because she never saw him' when she takes the stairs and he has to take the elevator, and the runner job is like, the easiest job to miss and yet the hardest to fucking fill with competent people, but ohhh nooo she never saw him do his job, despite the fact that the job WAS GETTING DONE WHEN HE WAS HERE but no, she never saw him in the halls. :/

D CONSTANTLY rushes us in cleaning the rooms when we have like, three rooms (the normal amount is 5 rooms, each takes around an hour-ish depending on how bad) because she wants to leave, but newsflash old woman I NEED HOURS TO MAKE MONEY TO SURVIVE, just because YOUUUU don't pay rent doesn't mean WE don't.

like an example of that is when she cleaned someone's room for them (for some reason, we weren't even staying late at ALL) then sent them to help me, and I had one room left, so I told them to go stock my room with like, the linen and concessions and shit, and then D got fucking mad at me for not telling her to clean the room ?? First off, that's your fucking job to do, tell her to clean the room, you left it up to me, so i told her to what's best to actually HELP me, second off, you TOOK ONE OF HER ROOMS TO CLEAN ??? WHY NOT JUST LET HER HAVE HER ROOM ????? IF SHE NEEDS TO CLEAN ONE ???

she almost got ME fired, because she said, and i fuckign quote '[op] gets out at the same time as everyone else on purpose so he doesn't have to help others in their rooms]' . fucking WHAT ??

first off, how would you even figure something like that out ? second off, literally no one i asked feels that way (probably except her), and THIRD OFF, NO I FUCKING DON'T ?? I HELP PEOPLE ALL THE TIME ?? THE PEOPLE THAT NEED HELP !! just because I'm not gonna help fucking M over there (who is another problem) doesn't mean I'm not helping. M always has so many rooms, because D TAKES HER OUT TO LUNCH AND LETS HER DRINK ON THE FUCKING CLOCK !! AND THEN LETS HER LEAVE WHEN SHE FEELS SICK FROM BEING DRUNK !! SO WE END UP WITH HER ROOMS ANYWAYS !!!

At the time of this ask, the younger girls (because of course its the girls from 18-21 that are having problems with this old hag :/) and supervisor J are having a meeting with the Manager, that, tbh, if it doesn't fucking go well, I'm walking out. it's gotten that fucking bad.

oh, and :) the manager is part of HR, and we don't even feel like we can go to here about afformentioned borderline p*do :) because she does JACK FUCKING ALL about anything :)

i hate it here. I'm already quitting when I get my W2, but if this meeting tomorrow doesn't go well (or if supervisor D is there at all, as we've requester her fucking NOT be there so we feel safe talking) i'm walking the fuck out of that building tomorrow. What are they gonna do ? fire me ? i'm already walking out girlfriend, and I have a shoe in job for when I leave ANYWAYS ! good luck ! i'll be back for my W2 and my last paycheck when it's there ! i'm sick and tired of y'alls bullshit !!!

Posted by admin Rodney.

[knightsofeclipse]

I think it is such a mark of good writing how hard it is to pick and keep a favourite character. (It’s Reece, I’ve landed on Reece). That every new episode, ever clip compilation, every quote I see makes me go “ok but are they may favourite now?” Everyone has so much that is compelling and complex about them. And each new interaction draws from every previous one. Nothing is forgotten, everything is taken into account. I’m a writer, I understand how this process works. And I’m still so blown away every time how amazing Charlotte is at executing just everything. She’s so incredibly talented. 10/10, 5 stars, every glowing review in the book.

And I don’t see people talking about just how brilliant the writing is. The moment that just keeps getting me is Char getting Mia fired. I see lots about the Mialotte side of it, but no one’s really talking about everything that had to happen to lead up to it. The establishment of Char’s character as someone who is so trustworthy and honest — she would never do something so underhanded, especially not so openly — and how vocally against what she was doing she was up until that point. Whether or not her plan had been premeditated, all of the pieces were set up so that it could ONLY be Char who could take down Mia. And then Mia’s side of it, that it’s made so clear that Mia can see something is up with Char but she wants to believe Char is nothing like her. That Char wouldn’t manipulate her like that. Mia is blinded by her affections for Char and Char can see that. WE can see that. I feel like I’m not doing the scene justice in trying to impress upon everyone how nuanced and complex that interaction was. I feel like I’m just going to devolve into screaming from the rooftops “this is what good writing looks like!”

The storyline going on right now, everything surrounding Shibby and Roger, as well as what’s I’ve dubbed the “Charlotte Protection Squad” Siobhan showing up for Char alongside Marjorie and Mia — including the revelation that Mia and Shibby had a flirtation, even if it amounted to nothing — I think recontextualizes the conversation Siobhan and Sorscha had about “knowing what you like”. Shibby’s reaction to Sorscha asking “what is it that attracted you to the millionaire sixty year old” felt off at the time. Maybe I’m just too autistic but it felt unnecessarily defensive. Siobhan’s concession that maybe people can know what they like, her almost surprise at Sorscha insisting that clearly she “knows” she likes much older men, it just didn’t sound like someone who was sure. And I’ve seen this kind of situation before, where a scene doesn’t feel right initially but later episodes provide more insight into it. It’s giving foreshadowing — intentional or otherwise, it doesn’t really matter. Part of writing is rolling with things as they develop and then looking back and going “oh hey, I foreshadowed that”.

I could go on about how I felt like I was reading too much into Shibby’s character and her interactions with others and was just waiting to be proven wrong but every further interaction continues to align with how I interpreted her. And by go on I mean GO ON. But we’d be here all day — and probably night — and that’s a lot of quotes to pull…

A brief aside about my autism; storytelling and writing are my core special interests. They inform how I interact with every other special interest I’ve had. And The Nursery Nurse is my current special interest. I’m usually a silent lurker. It just means so much to me to feel safe enough to be able to break my silence and properly engage with a community like this. And although it may take some time to convince myself that anyone actually cares to hear what I have to say, it’s a really big step for me to even say it in the first place. Thank you all for creating a community like this, where everyone feels welcome. I feel like just being here makes me more of a person… if that makes sense.

I’ve changed my mind. I do have one more thing to say about Siobhan. I know why the fandom has latched onto her despite everything she’s said/done. And no, it’s not just because she’s hot — but, like, that helps. It’s because she’s a good villain. She’s a satisfying villain. She says and does horrible things, doesn’t pull her punches — for fear of “going too far” from a writing standpoint — and is always dispatched and put back in her place by the end of the episode. She’s beloved for the same reason Team Rocket is. She’s a fun character to play with and has an easily followed formula on how her interactions are handled. I’m just going to keep screaming it from the rooftops: ITS JUST GOOD WRITING. We like Shibby because she’s the right villain for the right job. Her level of villainy is on par with the rest of the stakes the series provides. And that’s such an overlooked part of creating a villain or any sort of conflict. It has to match with the level of intensity of the rest of the goings on. That is Siobhan’s place in the ecosystem.

And I may or may not be collecting evidence to suggest that Jodie has been the other spy the entire time. Like, from her first appearance the entire time. Totally prepared to be wrong on this, some maths just aren’t mathing for me though.

Anyway, impulsively sharing this right before bed so I can pretend the internet doesn’t exist for the next 8 hours and come back less anxious about the mortifying ordeal of being known™️. That’s being a bit over dramatic… I’ll sleep now…

[karizard-ao3]

My reactions to Evangelion episode 25: Do you love me?

Just the title of this episode alone is making me feel emotional. What is going to happen to these babies?

I'm going to try to fit these last two episodes in before I finish cleaning up for my friends who are visiting this weekend. I want to be an emptionally destroyed zombie for the whole time they're here.

Jk. I'm hoping I can withstand this and at least fake that I'm still functional after. I might have to take a break between episodes to run to Target, but fingers crossed I will have this finished tonight and then be able to watch End of Evangelion on Sunday!

Enough about me. Let's begin!

Shinji is either having a mental breakdown or he's got some Angel in his head. This reminds me of the Dirac (?) Sea and what he was going through then.

Is he being interrogated?

Asuka is the blunt voice in his subconscious lol

I do find it interesting how similar Asuka and Shinji's motives for piloting the Evas are.

It's interesting because it seems Rei is connected to all the different versions of herself that exist in other people's perceptions. And, it seems like that is entirely what she has based her current sense of herself on.

Her similarities to Kaworu (is that right?) are really interesting. They both were really disconnected from themselves and the world. Very different from humans, who cling to life. Instead, they are eager to die.

"You existed for today, Rei." And Kaworu said he believes he was born just to meet Shinji and was happy to die having done that. How to put this? All the Angels thus far have seemed to be created for one purpose. They always appear, do one thing, and then are killed. There's an essence of the mayfly about them. The fights don't even last long in the show, and sometimes we even miss them. They've never really felt like a real enemy because of that. They're just so unrecognizable, if that makes sense.

Shinji is maybe remembering when he disappeared into the quantum plane?

The instrumentality begins. Oh no.

Misato was shot?

They're gonna glomp everyone altogether into an amorphous blob of heart?

I heard the author was depressed. I get it.

Misato is tired of being clean and pretty for everyone else, and her apartment before the kids moved in was a pig sty. It was like her one little concession to herself. She has to put on the mask outside but at home she could be dirty and ugly.

Hmmmm Misato. Using sex to hide from the pain and disappoint your dead father, huh? I am uneasy. I've been trying to ignore certain vibes I was getting and I'm still trying to. I dont want to talk about it.

Why would they talk about Asuka like that right in front of her?

This is really something. Can't quite articulate it right now, but you know when you're just walking along and suddenly you become hyper aware of the fact that you are you and other people are in their own heads being themselves and having thoughts and sensations just like you but you will never know what it is like in their heads or how it feels to be them? That's what this is like.

"You wished for a closed off world that was comfortable for you and only you." Damn.

In Conclusion

When they say Shinji wished for the end of his world, is that because he wanted to connect with other people and end his loneliness or is it just because he hates himself and wants to die? Or, something else?

My head is doing contortions trying to figure all this out. But I was warned it was confusing, so I don't have high expectations from myself.

Dear Shinji, please stay safe. I love you.

[queerstake]

I'm sorry for sending this, but I'm. In kind of a weird spot. I don't really have many other places i can turn. I figured out several years ago that i am aro/ace, and for awhile I just thought that was okay. Still okay with church. Just more open than others might be to the queer community. But it's gotten so hard as I've come to fully understand myself. That I'm non-binary. That I am pan for tertiary/alterous attraction. And now I've got a genderfluid datemate. I love them with all my heart. They aren't part of the church. I didn't tell them that I was raised LDS until after we started dating, but they realized a long while ago. They've been supportive and understanding of my position through everything.

But I have a hard time with a lot of the culture that has developed around the church, and I find I don't want to go anymore. Maybe it would be easier if I knew more queer members, but I don't. Any friends i have learned are queer have left.

My family isn't friendly to the queer community, which hurts like hell, because I want to tell them about my partner. My family means so much to me. I want them to be okay with the fact that I still believe in God and Jesus, but I just don't want to be "active".

Even being a "good active member" is mentally exhausting for me. It puts so much mental and social strain on me. Social stuff is extremely mentally exhausting for me. Doesn't help that my dad is emotionally abusive. I know it isn't like this for everyone, but I'm just so tired.

I don't have a lot of people in my life that really understand where I'm at, I'm so sorry for dumping this here. You can delete it. Thank you for what you do, hope you're safe and well.

Hi anon. Your message is about a year old as I'm answering it now, and I'm sorry for making you wait so long. I had some work to do myself before I could dedicate myself to this blog fully, and now that I'm here and ready, I want to start tackling the inbox.

Given that it's been so long, I'm sure your life has changed since you sent this message. I hope you're doing better.

Your message sounds very familiar, actually. I'm also an aroace and trans member. By the time covid came around and church meetings stopped for a period of time, I myself was worn out from struggling to keep up. I think you and me felt much the same. I used the excuse of covid to take a brief church break to figure out how I was going to make being a queer mormon work. I felt awful for having to take time off, but in the end, it really was the right choice for me. I was able to work on myself and my relationship to the church while setting aside some of the pressure I had put myself under for so long and now that I've built myself up stronger, I'm able to come back and foster a healthier relationship to the church.

I'm so glad you have a good relationship with your datemate to help you during this time! Being a queer mormon is really hard. We have to make concessions and reckon with our faith the way many straight mormons don't have to. It IS exhausting. I imagine god has put your datemate in your life in order to help give you the support you need right now.

If you or anyone else needs permission, please DO take a break. God doesn't want you to suffer, and you can't foster a good relationship with him if you're suffocating. Taking a break or not being active is not a bad thing. In fact, it was a REALLY good thing for me and really helped me come back to church even stronger than before.

I'm sorry to hear you were and are going through so much anon, and I hope some of the things I've said at least have helped you feel not alone. If you are able to take a break from church right now, I encourage you to do it! Heal and wrestle with god on your own time. You don't owe anyone anything, and god will be there with you no matter where you go. If you are unable to take a break for some other reason, know you're not alone. We understand you, we've been through the things you're going through, you're welcome to reach out any time you need support. Being a queer mormon is so hard and can be so lonely. Your queer siblings and your heavenly father are here for you.

[sincelastsession]

My partner is hurting Because he's in love with his other partner and she is married and he can never marry her or be with her in the way he wants.

He's been talking about moving here and looking at houses and places around where I live and He said some things that I'm not sure if he's drunk or really actually means it but he's made hints that we will eventually end up together and That would make me really happy but It makes me sad that He has to choose like that

I understand what he's feeling and I can't really be upset was him like a lot of people would react

Despite his pension for alcohol is still a wonderful partner and that does not make me think less of him although sometimes it is aggravating but I've dealt with worse from my father who acts like a dry drunk

He has said more kind and encouraging things to me lately than ever.

We have this thing where we decide where we will meet in our dreams. When I sleep tonight he will meet me at the secondary concession and buy me my favorite overpriced candy and we're going to watch the grand Budapest hotel.

I showed my mom the kind words he said to me.

I cry when he is very lovey. It's so hard to hear nice things. I've been told so many things I do wrong and lied to it is very hard to believe it.

I still find myself missing my ex. I'm worried about my ex because he's hanging out with a particularly dangerous group of bdsm folks. As someone who had two male subs myself till life circumstances ended things I worry about if he's continuing to sub for these people or if he's learning how to Dom incorrectly.

-----

My heart is skipping beats. I hear kids running around outside and it's almost 4am.

I know whose kids they are.

The courtesy officer said he'd come out today to talk to the people screaming. They stopped for a little while. Maybe 10minutes.

I feel so scared that I'll be stuck with these dumb assholes as neighbors forever.

I can't get to sleep at night because I'm constantly scared.

I've been scared of getting to bed most of my life.

Actually many things I do have been most of my life.

People just started noticing around my teen years and punished me for everything since

The anxiety I feel right now feels like I'm being hunted for sport. My door is locked. But my windows are easy break one pane. My bedroom door doesn't lock anymore so I can't make that safe.

I'm exhausted and I had to take my extra med.

I don't want to be alone.

I have no real self defense.

Pepper spray is bullshit.

Hand guns scare me.

Can't afford the kid size 22 bolt action rifle. That's all I'd really need. I'm a good shot. I wouldn't use it but for a range and life threatening situations. I took rifelry more than once growing up. I know the discipline.

Everyone still thinks I'll try to shoot myself. Imo that's the stupidest way to go or try. Would never be a choice.

Matt knows an extraordinary amount about flooring and earlier this evening I let him talk about it and idk why but when he goes on about it even though I don't understand...it's very attractive.

There are dogs barking now and a small child getting dropped off at daycare apartment screaming

I just want to relax enough to pass out and I'm fighting sleep scared feeling.

I hate this.

I also feel like I'm going to hit nonverbal again.

I want to go home. But I am home. But it doesn't feel like home. I want home.

[bouncinaroundca]

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[stormslayeradventures]

The Great Matter: Part Three

Reading the folio documents in great detail, Haurchefant sighs and after taking a moment to make some cocoa, he sits with Ophelia’s letter in his hand. He knows at this point, that Ophelia was sending him into exile. Not only for her own welfare, but to keep the peace in the households of which she is bound. He drinks the cocoa and when he finished the drink, he grabs the letter opener and opens the letter. Breaking the seal as if he was removing a bandage of a wound and exposing it to fresh air, bracing himself for the emotional sting to come.

Haurchefant,

I beg your forgiveness for not being the one to bring you this news and your assignments. I admit at this point in the journey, I am such a coward to hide behind my duties in not bringing this forward. These last few weeks have been hard for everyone. You the most especially as we go back and forth, but I think the decision I’ve made as your superior might make things a lot easier in the future.

First, it’s convenient that your wife turned out to be of a higher rank than I, and that the place I am sending you to is in desperate need of well-trained knights who can support the ongoing training of their military and diplomatic forces. You will not be bored out there in Thavnair be assured of that. I ask you not to be angry with Athena, as she told me originally in confidence and I had no desire to pry into your affairs, I had every plan to keep confidence until Artoriel came to me and shared with me what was going on. He wanted to send you to Garlemald, lucky for you I have no desire to go out there and so Thavnair seemed like a proper concession. It takes two days travel via airship for him, and mere minutes for the rest of us. I think that’s enough for everyone involved, don’t you think?

In your box, are a few additional items that will make your transfer a little easier. First, there are receipts of payment for the land on which the Embassy now resides as well as you and Aine’s lovely home in the Yui district. No - you can’t give it back to me – it comes with the assignment and has already been paid for by the Estate and reimbursed to me via the Government – the money you will be given with the receipt simply is for renovations or any other additional things you need to make the residence your own.

Portia attached the Silver Journal, and they have enhanced the journals so now both Athena and Portia can read & respond to them – if you ever feel like writing to either of them, the lines remain open, but I have a feeling they will come see you once the Embassy is properly settled. (Portia especially as she’s going to traveling back and forth a lot in the weeks to come.) Don’t fret, they don’t see our former correspondence at all, and I no longer have a copy of the journal or the pens. I figured sneaking in letters via the Diplomatic Boxes would be enough if needed as they are Aetherially locked as well.

Lastly, and this came with hot debate and so I snuck this in – is *our* house trade seal and our house ring. These two items will grant you safe passage among the trade routes that aren’t protected by the Thavnair government. And there aren’t many like here in Coerthas, but the ones that are not covered are some of the most dangerous in terms of piracy. While I don’t anticipate you needing to use these items in an excessive amount, traders will recognize the ring, and you won’t get fleeced. (Yes, I should give one to Ser Estinien as well, but he doesn’t wear much jewelry so we will just have to figure something else out for him. Maybe a brand on his lance or something.)

Furthermore, at the embassy, once established, there will be a currency trader there. On the 1st sun of the month, there will of course be your allowance. I will have no arguments about the allocation of the allowance and the currency trader is to give you your monthly allowance and that’s it. So take it and save it, or invest any left over in some chocobo stables, you know they breed Red ones in Thavnair, so you know, plenty of money to be made in their feathers.

While this handles business affairs, this does not address the personal, and I admit, I am hesitant to speak further either in writing or in person about either matter. I am an array of feelings in every way shape and form. While I have a feeling Artoriel has shared his massive disappointment in you via his own letter that I saw in this box, I don’t completely share his sentiment.

All my life, I have known and lived with the fact that I am not an easy woman to claim, let alone please. My father warned me time and time again that I have to be mindful about what to stick my guns to and what to give grace on and when I do give grace, I have to be patient and ensure that grace has time to grow into gratitude. But for me, I have failed to be that gentle and patient woman, which in turn, means I have failed you as a wife and keeper of your legacy. I want everything now and it makes me one selfish woman. Perhaps because I spent so many years sacrificing. For you, for Ishgard, for our families, for even the greater star.

It is for this and because of this that even now, as I accept the fate of the remainder of my life lived alone, I accept it willingly even if it is painful. Because in hindsight, I’ve seen and lived through it all at this point. I’ve had a sweeping love story, with nights of deep and intimate passion and tears of joy and pain. I’ve had the joys of becoming a wife, mother, and woman of influence. I’ve also had the downs of being a widow of husband and sons, betrayals, and grief in every form. In the thirty and six years I’ve walked this earth, I’ve seen it all and lived all that life has had to offer. While I will still keep working and living to care and serve others, if it were to end tomorrow, I would be content. Because I’ve had a life well lived.

It is because of this, because of you, I cannot just send you to the moon and leave you there to rot. Despite many members of both our houses being content with that decision. For while yes, I leave quite a bit of work for you to do that will keep you busy for a few good years, eventually, there will come a day, where you will have the freedom to adventure and roam the free and warmer lands of Thavnair, seeking adventures and living your best life while raising really expensive red chocobos. All of this is a lousy replacement for the freedom you gave me both in life and in death, but it is the best I can do given the circumstances. So I hope one day you can forgive me for your “exile” and not hold it against me for shackling you down to a single place for a very long time.

Because at the end of the day Haurchie, I may never be your wife or lover again, but there is not a place in space or time, that you are not my husband and my purpose for getting up and going on. I close my eyes and watch as my life passes me by and all I see is you and your smile. You will never know how much you mean to me, and I will spend my days striving to being worthy of your name, your legacy, your smile. You gave yourself to me, and showed me what the truth was and could be. For that, I say thank you and I love you. There is no place in time or space, Etheriys or the heavens, where you not the love of my life.

I look forward to seeing what you make of the Embassy. Try to cover the hardwood floor in carpets eh? Highland flooring warps in perpetual sunlight and Thavnair loves mosaic windows.

~ Ophelia

[sparring-spirals]

Noticed tonight how hesitant FCG was about healing or even just stabilizing the the verdict. Like, iirc they were totally, 100% fine with leaving the rival team to die. Gonna have to go back and rewatch later to see if I actually got a good read on it but. God FCG creeps me out in a way no other CR pc has and I’m so glad everyone seems to be noticing it now

I meaaaaan.... they might not have DIED died... just like. Died a little. ....

I like F.C.G, although I get what you mean. Its fair if this particular facet of F.C.G sets you on edge a bit, because... I THINK that's the point. Honestly, I've grown increasingly fond of F.C.G the more we learn about them, and the clearer the divide between the cheerful demeanor and the underlying morals of their actions become. Previously I was a little hesitant about it, but now that I know the vibes are intentional, things open up a lot more. The vibes being: Absolutely terrifying and slightly terrible in a well intentioned, uninformed way. Which is both wonderful to dig into, and extremely true to life.

(this got a little lengthy, throwing it under a read-more. Rampant speculations and assumptions abound below)

I talked about it a little here, and the more I've contemplated it, the more I really like my comparison of an AI attempting to apply an overly specific model to increasingly nuanced situations. F.C.G means well. I absolutely believe that. The casual cruelties, and moral gaps we're seeing more and more come down to things like:

inflexible definitions- of humanity, of empathy, of people who deserve better and people who aren't worth it. "Well, I'm not soul touched, but you all are-" The whole situation with the drunkard early on. Horses having less of a soul than people. The definitions set the rules, and everything outside of that doesn't matter.

very specific rules or solutions applied to situations that they don't fit on- attempting to give couples therapy to two random strangers, asking ritual questions and providing canned lines as comfort to people who aren't asking for it. Even the mind delve from this last episode- is almost like some kind of fucked up diagnostic, I guess.

And then, as a result, some of the more jarring behavior just feels like prioritization, with very specific models and rules in mind. The Verdict are less important than the Bells, so its not really as much of a concern if they die (even if it, clinically, would be a shame). If F.C.G's priority is to keep the Bells as a whole safe, tricking Imogen to dive into her mind is a fine concession. Imogen’s wellbeing, even, probably takes a higher priority over their relationship, or even Imogen’s desire to... not have her mind invaded.

And, I've been making a ton of comparisons to AI's, but honestly, its a very real-to-life comparison too. It's every inexperienced person who learned something new and then attempted to overapply the concept to everything in their life. It's why the comparisons to "college freshman who took 1 semester of psych and is way too confident with it" make sense. It's the way someone with a very specific life experience will explore something new and run into problems when their experiences and judgements no longer translate correctly. It is why someone with a great deal of confidence in something they only have a surface understanding of can stir up problems even with pure intentions.

It is not often malicious, but it can be extremely harmful.

But back to F.C.G specifically: I think F.C.G is supposed to make you feel a little uneasy, for what its worth, at least in this context.

And it IS possible Sam is planning to go a "silently evil and plotting murderbot" route, but I'm hoping for something closer to *points above*, if only because. I dunno. I find that more compelling. Plus he's a cute lil robit who loves his friends awww lookit :'D

[superhero--imagines]

A/N: And this is my last fic from the bat boy Zine! If you like it and want to see more bat boy x reader content please consider filling out my interest check for a dc comics x reader zine here!

“What about the Ferris wheel?” You ask, the smooth taste of fizzy soda flooding into your mouth. You have to restrain yourself from laughing as Tim’s face contorts.

“It’s on wooden blocks!” You manage to stifle a giggle, swallowing the mouthful of soda in a hard gulp that burns the back of your throat. Your mouth purses, and you consider holding your remark, only to say it with a smirk.

“So I take it we’re not going on the Ferris wheel?” You shouldn’t tease him like this, but when you see Tim’s mouth arch into that delicate scowl you can’t help yourself.

“Maybe if this thousand pound piece of technology wasn’t resting on wooden blocks,” his baby blue eyes dart from one ride to another, the hand holding his untouched glass of lemonade gesturing towards them “they’re just wooden palettes, babe, like the kind you find at the hardware store, not even cement blocks, and all of those nails are hella rusted, quite frankly I’m surprised-“ despite your best efforts, laughter bubbles out of your mouth at Tim’s rant. You laugh so hard tears form in the corner of your eyes. When you finally wipe them away and your laughter subsides, you look up to see him pouting.

“It’s not like you’re wrong-“ the rides are on simple wooden palettes, in fact you're pretty sure the ride you’re walking past right now is resting on actual wooden logs-- like the kind you would burn in a fireplace. Tim’s right to be concerned. Now that he’s pointed it out, you're a bit concerned yourself.

“You’re just so funny, freaking out about all this stuff,” you giggle, stifling the noise by covering your mouth with your hand.

Tim flushes with those sweet rose pink lips pulling into a pout.

“I am not freaking out.”

You roll your eyes. Tim cringes as a group of middle schools passes by, almost brushing against him.

“Tim, when you saw the girl at the concession stand make the lemonade with actual lemons I thought you might actually pass out.” He flushes at this.

“Can you blame me? She pulled out an actual lemon, and then squeezed it with her bare hands,” and then in a lower, almost conspiratorial whisper he says, “she wasn’t even wearing a hair net!” Another bout of laughter surfaces.

“They’re carnies, Tim! They charged us ten dollars to walk around, and another twenty for these wristbands,” you point to the bright pink wristband hanging loosely on your wrist. You’re pretty sure they sell these in bulk at the office supply store. “They’re not exactly known for giving a safe and fun experience.”

Everyone knew that the carnival came once a year and that it was basically a rip off, but hey it was something to do. You came, you paid ten dollars to walk through a corn maze, another twenty- five to ride three rides, and rounded the night with a giant funnel cake you couldn’t finish. It was a sun-par experience at best, but after the year the two of you have had, you thought it would be a nice change of pace.

“Honestly, Tim, why’d you say yes to coming here for our date if you knew you’d be crawling out of your skin the entire time?” You say it jovially, since you half expected something like this. What surprised you was when Tim handed over the money, insisting on getting you wristbands to go on all the rides you wanted. Then he took the cup of lemonade and held onto it as you did your rounds and even asked what ride you wanted to go on the most.

His cheeks hold a rosy tinge. Those crystal blue eyes you love so much are cast down in a heated stare with the ground.

“Because I knew you wanted to come here,” the sentence leaves his mouth in a mumble, only a notch louder than a whisper, you barely catch all the words but you feel yourself melt at them, and at the sight of him.

Your sweet Tim, stomaching his germophobia to make memories with you, as much as he could in such a place anyway.

You rest a hand on his cheek, lifting his gaze from the ground to you.

“You know I love that about you right?” It’s true, you’ve always loved how selfless Tim can be, how he’s always thinking of you, or the team, to the point that you wished sometimes he just thought about himself a little more instead.

You feel him nod against your palm, before leaning in further to your touch. You give him an affectionate squeeze.

It’s not something you can ignore, his almost self destructive selflessness, you’ll both have to face it, and grow.

But for now, you can have a good date at the carnival and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

“It’s a shame you don’t wanna ride the Ferris wheel. I was hoping we could do that thing where we kiss when we get to the top.”

You can practically see the gears turning in Tim’s brain, the intensifying red on his face as his blush creeps down his neck.

“What if I win you that giant shark plushie instead? That’s better than a Ferris wheel ride.”

You grin, watching as he scans the games, already analyzing which one gives him the best advantage.

“I’ll consider a few kisses if you win.”

[sundaysundaes]

Falling

Lee Donghyuck/Haechan X Reader | Smut, Fluff, Angst | NC-17 | 11K

Summary: In the absence of your warmth, Lee Donghyuck begins to reminisce the loving memories he’s shared with you in the past three years, regretting how your first fight turned into something that ended it all. Lyrics are taken from this beautiful song: Harry Style’s Falling.

Warnings: Unprotected sex (please practice safe sex!), oral sex, alcohol consumption, swearing

I'm in my bed

And you're not here

The small, barely prominent crack on the ceiling of his bedroom has always gone unnoticeable. It stands only as a silent witness of the meeting between a pair of plumps lips to redder ones, the breathless sounds of frantic moans, and the sacred exchange of loving words. But not tonight. Tonight, as he lays on his bed, sheets all crumpled but with the absence of your warmth, Donghyuck notices everything.

He notices how quiet his room—his entire apartment—feels when it’s only the sound of his own, soft breathing echoes through the air. The walls, the carpet, the bedsheets, the framed photographs that remind him of the joy that used to bloom on his face—everything feels monochromatic. Empty. Shallow. Because ever since you walked out of his life, you’ve taken all the colors with you, leaving him solely in black and white.

And there's no one to blame

But the drink in my wandering hands

With the bitter taste of vodka sitting on his tongue, Donghyuck closes his eyes, allowing himself to remember but not forgive the words he once said to you. 

Regrets start to suffocate him at once.

Forget what I said

It's not what I meant

And I can't take it back

I can't unpack the baggage you left

What hurts from a break-up is not the parting of two hearts, but the memories that had been drawn deep within them. It’s not the kiss that he misses, it’s the taste of your lips—the faint scent of strawberry that sits pale in comparison to your natural flavor. It’s the way they move against his own, timid at first then consuming all at once. And how there will be no other girl that will taste the same, feel the same, or emit the same kind of feelings from him.

It’s funny, Donghyuck thinks, how he can only see your smile behind his closed eyelids these days. But he doesn’t find himself laughing. He can’t even remember the last time he found a reason to smile, now that you’re gone.

The moon was hiding behind thick clouds, he remembers, that night when fate walked in and introduced you to one another.

Donghyuck’s eyes were glued to the silver screen, adrenaline pumping through his veins as he witnessed the battle between the villain and the protagonist grew deadly. The thrill of it soon perished, however, when a scent of chamomile shampoo fleeted through his nose.

Your head was falling onto his shoulder as you waned into your dreamland. Unbeknownst to you, you had been leaning your weight entirely to a stranger whose bergamot perfume compelled you to focus on anything besides the movie. It was as pleasant as it was distracting. But after being sleep deprived for three days, exhaustion finally took over and you fell asleep so deeply, you didn’t even have the strength to dream.

Your weight on his body was unfamiliar but it wasn’t uncomfortable for twenty-two years-old Lee Donghyuck. As he took a glance at your face, it wasn’t your beauty that kept him frozen—except for the gentle smile that broke on his lips. It was how peaceful you looked, almost like an enervated child curling up after spending her time chasing butterflies on the field.

Donghyuck shifted carefully on his seat, attempting his best to give you comfort by providing more space for you to lean your weight on. Then he stayed still, his smile never faltered away, the movie long forgotten. He didn’t spare a glance at the screen even when people were gasping at the sight of the protagonist dying in his lover’s arms. He was more intrigued by the thought of your name, wondering whether it would sound as nice as the smell of your shampoo.

When the credits rolled, Donghyuck told Mark and Jeno in hushed whispers to leave without him, throwing icy glares at them when they grinned devilishly at the sight of you sleeping on his shoulder. He went as further as kicking Jeno on the shin when his voice rose too loudly, afraid that he’d wake you up, which made the other man complain because certainly, the background music was louder than anything else in the room.

Nevertheless, you were still deep in your slumber.

Donghyuck begged for more time when one of the concessions workers asked him to leave. Refused and left with no other solution, he sighed and turned his head toward you.

“Hey,” he whispered, heart palpitating in anticipation of finally hearing your voice. “We have to go.”

His voice was foreign to your ears but it was so soothing, almost like a lullaby, that you snuggled closer, wanting to hear more of it. It took Donghyuck three times more with his cheeks reddening to call upon you until you finally found the power to detach yourself from your stupor.

“Hey there,” a boy—beautiful boy—with glowing, sun-kissed skin; round, enticing eyes; and a voice as sweet as honey, beamed at you with a smile so warm, it nearly melted your heart, and you decided ah, I don’t ever want to wake up from this dream.

It was when the usher popped into your vision, stating, “I’m sorry, Ma’am, but we’re closing,” that you internally screamed oh God, no, this isn’t a dream, what have I done?

“So that’s what he said.” Donghyuck’s smile was sheepish with a tint of teasing, and your heart moved on its own, yearning for him to display you another one. “But if you still have time to spare, we can go get some coffees or something. I can fill you in on the details.”

“A—” Your voice was hoarse from sleep, embarrassingly so. “About what?”

“About the movie you just missed.” The grin he showcased grew wider and this time, it was so utterly mischievous that you had to break your gaze before heat rushed to your face. “The fact that you’re here watching a movie by yourself must mean you’re interested to see how it ends. I can help you with that.”

“Umm—” You rummaged your purse, pretending like you were searching for something when it was only a poor excuse for you to not be captivated by his eyes longer than you already were. “It’s fine, I can look it up online.”

“But then what should I do with this?” He brought his right hand in the air, pursing his lips. “My arm’s falling asleep. Shouldn’t you take responsibility for it?”

The horrified look on your face made him laugh, and his laughter became the reason why you decided to throw all common sense away and just went with what felt right.

Awkward conversations made you anxious but they died before you could finish your coffee. They were reborn into something that was supposed to only be shared between friends instead of strangers, but with Donghyuck, everything felt so natural, you didn’t even find the will to question it. His affable, carefree attitude was almost inspiring, breaking through your facade as easy as counting his fingers.

“So, how come you went to the movies by yourself?” Donghyuck asked, his coffee long forgotten on the table as he was more drawn to you and the little smile you retained on your lips. “Boyfriend too busy to come along?”

A bit flustered, you brought your head down, hiding your eyes behind your fringe. “I don’t... have a boyfriend.”

Donghyuck raised an eyebrow, lying his chin on his palm as he rested his elbow on the table. The way he stared at you made your stomach flip, and he reciprocated with nothing but a hum, tapping a finger to his cheek. His tiny smile held a thousand meaning.

You hurriedly took a sip of your coffee. “I, uhh, I had some free time today and it’s my favorite movie franchise—I just got to see how it ended. But all my friends have seen it, so…”

“They didn’t invite you?”

“They did. I was just busy with work.”

His voice dropped an octave lower. “And they didn’t wait for you.”

“It’s—” Your chest tightened. “It’s fine, really. I mean, it would only make me feel bad if they waited for me. My schedule is crazy. I haven’t been sleeping properly for three days because of my deadlines.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” He chuckled and you noticed how his teeth were a little jagged. “I could still smell your drool on my shirt, actually.”

“Oh my God,” you spluttered. “I’m—Please let me wash it for you.”

“And you expect me to walk home half-naked?” His naughty eyebrow raise made your skin tingle. “Or are you inviting me to stay over?” Seeing you part your mouth but lost for words, Donghyuck tittered. “I’m kidding. I would’ve waited for you. No matter how busy you were, I would. And even if I’ve watched it first, I wouldn’t mind watching it again with you.”

You shook your head, both in attempts to disagree with his words and to erase your blush away. “But that would be a waste of money—”

“That wouldn’t be a waste, and you know why?” He leaned closer, body almost halfway through the table. “Because for me, it’s never about the movie. It’s about watching it together with you. About us complaining about the plot holes, talking about the bad acting, laughing at each other when something reminds us of one of our inside jokes. That’s what makes it worth.” As Donghyuck realized how your eyes were locked with his, your breath hitching in your throat with the proximity, he quickly plummeted back to his seat, flushed. “I mean, it applies to everyone—not you, specifically.”

So he could be shy, you wondered. And what else could he be? Maybe buried underneath those mischievous grins, laid a caring heart. Maybe he could be the one who’d understand when you missed three of his calls as you tried to survive your deadlines. Maybe he would cook you breakfast instead of just reminding you to take one. Maybe he could taste sweeter than any boy you’d ever kissed.

So when his curiosity for you matched the intensity you had towards him, you let your walls crumble, welcoming him with open arms.

“It’s going to rain,” Donghyuck mentioned, eyes observing the night sky, dark clouds rumbling as they hovered above you. You were walking next to him, knuckles nearly grazing one another from how near you were though none of you was brave enough to close the distance.

Although obvious, you decided to humor him. “Yeah? How can you tell?”

“‘Cause I’m psychic.” The added wink in the end was a bonus but to you, it became the main reason why you had to drag your gaze to your feet.

Funny how for the past three hours, your smile never faltered away—almost to the point that your cheekbones began to hurt—when you could barely remember the last time you found amusement in anything.

“Are you cold?” he asked, and you promptly shook your head no. Unfortunately for you, your body betrayed you. Donghyuck chuckled softly when he noticed the shivers that ran through your spine. “Want me to lend you my jacket?”

“Oh—no, it’s fine, I’m—”

“It was a rhetorical question, dummy.” The body heat that was imprinted on his leather jacket made you well-aware of just how warm he actually was. The scent of his bergamot perfume was overwhelmingly delightful, but there was another scent underneath it—something that reminded you of summer, sunlight, and sandalwood—that made you wonder, maybe, if he wasn’t wearing this perfume, he’d smell just like this.

He pushed your hair away from your neck, straightening the jacket until it enveloped you entirely with its warmth. “Better?”  

You eventually managed to snap yourself out of your reverie. “Were you always this smooth with women?”

“No, I just practiced in front of my mirror a lot.”

“Practiced what?”

He wiggled his eyebrows. “The art of seduction.”

“Is that so?” Your cheeks began to warm but it was probably because of the jacket. “Guess I should try that sometimes,” you joked.

“I don’t think you need it,” he cooed, bending himself down a little so you were eye-to-eye. “You already have me wrapped around your fingers from the second I laid my eyes on you.” When you became petrified by his words, his laughter reverberated through the air. “Now, that’s an example. How did I do?”

Ignoring your racing heart, you retorted, “Terrible.”

“Then will you let me practice on you so I can get better?”

Just like that, you found yourself sporting another smile. “Now, that’s smooth.”

Your life had been dull, repeating the same routines over and over again with your job taking most of your precious hours. Being with Donghyuck was a breath of fresh air—a stranger who was attentive to every little gesture you made, every little word that escaped your mouth, as much as he easily stole your attention away. His confidence was inspiring, his laughter was contagious, and you adored every little bit of his quirkiness.

“This feels like a date,” he professes, smiling diffidently to himself. “Would it be okay for me to think of it as a date?”

Suddenly, your vocabulary had diminished into nothing but his name. You nodded, and surprisingly enough for you, Donghyuck snickered, hand reaching out to playfully—almost childishly—ruffle your strands. “Thanks. Then a date it is.”

You wished time could go slower so you could savor the moment, memorizing the heart shape of his lips when he grinned.

You stopped in front of your apartment building, a breeze of cold night wind caressing your cheeks. “Umm, this is me,” you said, dismantling his leather jacket of your body. “Thank you... for this.”

Donghyuck’s fingertips grazed against your knuckles and it took longer than necessary for him to retrieve it from your hand. “You’re welcome.”

“And...” Your mind strayed away from forming the right words as you took notice of him wearing his leather jacket, how it fitted him so perfectly, how handsome he looked. “Umm, thank you for walking me back.”

“Thank you for giving me the chance.” His smile reminded you of spring, your favorite season, the way it blossomed on his face, so warm and beautiful. “I could’ve been a serial killer, you know. Showing me where you live isn’t too smart.”

“You don’t look like a serial killer to me.”

“Yeah?” His smile turned impish. “Then, how do I look like to you?”

You were fast to pivot on your heels. “I think I should go.”

His laughter filled the air. “Wait, I haven’t even said good night yet.”

“Then good ni—“ Your words died on your tongue when a pair of plump lips found their way to your cheek, just brushing lightly against the skin but your entire breath escaped your lungs at once. He retraced his steps before you could respond properly, biting the corner of his lip, looking somewhat unsure.

“Sorry if that’s—“ Donghyuck cleared his throat. “Umm, good night.”

You felt lightheaded, and you shortly blamed it on the amount of espresso you’d gulped too much during the day. “Good… night…”

Donghyuck was too bashful to meet your eyes, which was why you were brave enough to sneak a glimpse at his face. You decided that his sly, confident grins looked alluring on his face, but they were nothing compared to how adorable he seemed when he evinced that nervous, shy look on his face.

It took a few seconds before Donghyuck gave you a weak nod and walked away, taking the same direction from where you came. Something queasy grew inside your stomach, your grip around your purse tightening. 

Is it all there is? Am I never going to see him again?

With a heavy sigh, you walked toward your building.

Maybe he doesn't like me that much... But what do I do now? I want to see him again.

I don’t want to let him go without knowing whether I could see him again.

God, for once, just do something for yourself. Do something that makes you happy, be brave!

Taking a deep breath, you chose to gamble.

At the same time you turned on your heels, shouting his name, Donghyuck was calling upon yours and you both met each other halfway, breathless when it didn’t even take you more than twenty steps to reach one another.

“H-hi,” you greeted, voice quivering but not as much as the fingers you curled around the hem of your blouse.

“Hey.” Donghyuck’s gaze softened. “I was wondering—”

“Can we meet again?” You didn’t intend to cut him off so abruptly, but the anxiety within you nearly made your heart burst that you ended up asking the question without waiting for him to finish his. “I—I mean—I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt—”

“Yes, a thousand times yes,” he answered in one breath, with his sentence ending in chuckles. “You’re adorable, do you know that?”

Your heart was still about to burst but for an entirely different reason. “That’s…” You tucked a loose strand of your hair behind your ear—a habit that seemed to appear whenever you were too embarrassed to function. “That’s great. I mean, the fact that you want to see me again, not—” Oh God, okay, stop. “Well, then, umm, I guess I should leave now.”

He concealed his grin. “Aren’t you going to ask for my number or something?”

You mentally slapped yourself. “Y-yes, that would make it easier.”

The way Donghyuck was gazing at you made you feel like you were about to fall from the edge of your seat. He must think I’m an idiot. But had you been brave enough to see the gleam in his eyes, you would’ve noticed how he was staring at you so adoringly. “Give me your phone then.” When you just stood still, too busy trying to comprehend that a cute boy was really going to give you his number, Donghyuck added, “To add my numbers, Sweetheart. What, do I look like someone who flirts with pretty girls just to steal their phones away?”

“I wasn’t—” You quickly handed him your phone. “Here.”

Donghyuck’s smile grew playful again. “Care to make it interesting?”

“What?”

“I’ll add my numbers except for the last digit. You gotta guess it.”

“What? Why—”

“Because you’re cute,” he repeated, cocking his head as he returned your phone. “And it makes me want to tease you even more.” You unconsciously began to pout and he nearly whimpered at the sight. “Don’t do that, that’s not fair.”

You mumbled quietly, “I don’t like being made fun of.”

“I’m not making fun of you, I’m teasing you. There’s a difference.” He sighed, fingertips aching to reach out and swat your bangs away from your eyes. “A huge difference.”

You jutted out your bottom lip. “Feels the same to me.”

Donghyuck leaned in, calloused palm finding its way to cup your cheek, lifting your face so the streetlight could illuminate your features. “You need to wash that pout away from your face,” he whispered, eyes slowly going down to your lips that you had to remind yourself to breathe. “Or else I won’t be able to hold myself back.”

It was supposed to be another teasing, you knew he only meant it that way. But all trace of playfulness quickly vanished from his face when he noticed your eyes drifting to his lips—just for a split second—but that was enough. He saw the sign, he felt the chemistry, and there was no way he was going to let it pass just like that. Not when he had been thinking the same thing repeatedly for the last three hours you’d been together.

It wasn’t your first kiss—nor your second or third—but it was the kiss that mattered and you weren’t sure why. Three hours ago, he was a stranger. Now, he sent a trickle of electricity through your bloodstream, as if he was your first love. As if you had been wanting him for years.

A gentle rain began to pour over your heads, tiny droplets staining your cheeks but all you could think about was the way his thumb was caressing your cheekbone, how his lips were warmer and softer than anything you could have imagined, yet fierce and powerful at the same time.

“Am I going too fast?” He asked in a broken whisper, parting away just enough to murmur the question but close enough that you could still feel his words grazing your lips.

“Yes.” But you curled your fingers on the front of his shirt, tugging him closer. Donghyuck sighed into your mouth, eyebrows furrowing as he let himself drown deeper in passion. What started as a chaste kiss became ardent, and you allowed him to taste you enough so that he would fall asleep thinking about your lips. Donghyuck took a hold of your wrist, detaching your grip from his fabric and moved it up, silently telling you to wind your arms around his neck instead. The second you did it, he melded his lips with yours in a passion that matched the blazing sun, entangling his long arms around your waist, nearly lifting you off your feet as he embraced you tighter.

You wanted to preserve this moment. Right here, kissing fervidly under the soft rain in the arms of a stranger, drowned in the feelings of excitement. Because if you were oxygen, then Donghyuck was dying to breathe.

When it ended, you wished it didn’t have to. Donghyuck’s eyes were deep and intense as they peered into yours, growing a bit half-lidded when he shifted them back to your lips. “Hey.”

You mirrored his gentle smile, forehead pressing against his. “Hi…”

“I don’t know about you,” he chuckled lowly, “but as far as first kisses go, I think that was the best first kiss in the history of mankind.”

You tried to suppress your laughter but failed instantly. “Hyuck?”

“Yeah?”

“Judging from that line, I think you need to practice harder on your art of seduction.”

“Let’s just go back to kissing for now. I like kissing.” He pulled you in again, exchanging muffled giggles between playful kisses.

And if happiness had a form, it would’ve had his smile.

What am I now? What am I now?

What if I’m someone I don’t want around?

I’m falling again. I’m falling again.

I’m falling.

It’s almost laughable that the memories that once sparked so much joy in his heart have taken a shape of javelin, striking him deep in his chest, right where he ached for you the most. It tasted like summer when he kissed you in the rain, and the pain that swells in Donghyuck’s heart whenever the memory of it suffices is harder than the storm. And now, it’s the silence of the room—the absence of your presence—that pierces his skin.

It was easy for him to fall in love with you. So easy, it frightened him at first. After his first relationship, the way his first love shed his heart to pieces, he thought he wouldn’t be able to love someone ever again. Wouldn’t have the courage to even try. But when you came into the picture, Donghyuck didn’t even have the strength to resist. You were everything he ever wanted, an epitome of the woman that graced his dreams. And he was a prisoner, trapped under your spell.

So, why does everything have to end?

Now that he’s falling without you catching him, what is he going to do?

He hates who he’s become. He loathes the fact that he can no longer easily smile like he used to. He despises how grimly he envisioned the world these days. As if you were his entire future, and now that you’re gone, his whole world collapses. Donghyuck no longer knows himself, as you were the one who defines him. The one who gave meaning to his life. The one who mended his broken heart.

What if I’m down? What if I’m out?

What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?

I’m falling again. I’m falling again.

I’m falling.

You must hate me now, Donghyuck ponders, bringing his arm over his face, nibbling at the corner of his lip. The things I said… How I let you go without even giving us a chance… I must have hurt you…

It all began that night, on the day of your twenty-sixth birthday. Two years had passed since you shared your first kiss. Little fights over your differences couldn’t be avoided, but they helped nurture the bond you had with him, making it stronger. And each forgiveness was sincere and was rich in kisses. Donghyuck always made sure of that.

As you were fond of movies, your perfect date must involve watching a movie together with him so Donghyuck, dressed unusually handsomely in a white button-up shirt and black khakis that caught you off guard, took you out to the movie theater—the place where fate once meddled in and brought you to one another.

Knowing your taste, he paid two tickets to see the latest romantic movie, two buckets of popcorn, and a coke for him but iced green tea for you, realizing full well how soda had become one of your biggest enemies ever since your diet started. He made sure that your seats were located on the corner top of the theater, private enough for him to snuggle close to you or steal kisses whenever he felt like doing. You didn’t mind because Donghyuck would only kiss you when you seemed bored, never wanting to bother you when you were too immersed in the movie. He simply kept his hand laced with yours the whole time to make up for the loss.

Complaining about the plot holes and making jokes that only you two could understand had become Donghyuck’s habit to keep you entertained during the movie and it was something you always looked forward to. But that night, he was quiet, his eyebrows creasing in irritation but because of what, you were clueless.

“Are you okay?” You asked as you exited the building, this time being the one who reached out for his hand first. Donghyuck stiffened but his shoulders soon relaxing as he intertwined your fingers together.

“I’m fine,” he assured. “Why, do I not look fine?”

You weakly smiled back, uncertain. “You just seem awfully quiet, that’s all.”

He rubbed his nape, somehow looking a bit perturbed. “I just… It made me remember something I’ve been trying my best to forget.”

“You mean the movie?”

“Yeah.” He sighed into the night, puffs of hot air erupting from his slightly chapped lips. “I don’t know about you, but I think the way the movie depicted their long-distance relationship is just bullshit.”

There was so much bitterness in his words that it nearly made you stop walking. Suddenly, there was a thick tension around you, one that made you aware that it would be wiser to drop the conversation. But curiosity was eating you from the inside. He looked so crushed, so angry, and Donghyuck was turning into a whole other person before you.

You asked him what happened.

“I don’t think I want to talk about my past relationship when I’m celebrating a special night with my girlfriend.” He forced himself to laugh about it, but it sounded hollow.

You unconsciously tightened your grip around his hand. “I just wanted to understand you better.”

“Hey.” He pulled you toward him so abruptly, you ended up falling on his chest. His smile was warmer when he looked at you. “Without even knowing my past, you already understand me better than anyone.”

You were still unsettled when Donghyuck kissed your lips to divert your attention, softly biting your lower one just to joke around to ease the tension. “Ah, I can’t wait until we’re home,” he whispered when all laughter had receded and he had his fingers tucking your loose strands behind your ear. “I want to make love to you.”

Your heart beat thunderously inside your chest. “You’re—you’re just gonna say it so blatantly like that?” He used to be so shy about it, asking you to join him in bed by pressing open-mouthed kisses down your neck instead of using words.

“Just wanted you to know my plans beforehand.” He simpered. “Or do you not want to?”

Face aflame, you hurriedly took a couple of strides forward, leading the way with your hand clamping his wrist. “Where are we going?” Donghyuck frowned but followed you nonetheless. “The restaurant is right there.”

“We can have dinner after.” You threw a look over your shoulder, too nervous to smile, but hoped your words would deliver. “Aren’t we going to make love?”

His astonished look soon turned delicate. Donghyuck’s smiles were always beautiful, but the ones that were caused by you were the brightest. 

As soon as the door clicked open, Donghyuck half-pushed, half-carried you inside his apartment that smelled pleasantly like him. He didn’t wait until it was properly closed before he latched his parted lips on your softer ones, fusing perfectly in the way no one ever could. A stinging pain erupted from the back of your head when Donghyuck drove you to the wall, not knowing his own strength, but when you groaned against his mouth, it was solely because you needed him as much as he needed you.

“I love you,” he breathlessly said against your neck, tearing your coat away from your body, fingers slipping underneath your dress. “I love you so much, it’s insane.”

It had been three months since you first exchanged the sacred three words, but no matter how much Donghyuck had whispered them to your ears, painted them to your skin with his lips, it still felt like the first time you heard him say the words. It wasn’t just because of how many promises he held underneath them, it was the way he said them—so sincerely, so desperately, as if you were running out of time and he needed you to hear them before you disappeared from his life.

“I—” You flinched, pulling him for another kiss again when Donghyuck hooked his fingers on the side of your lingerie, hastily pushing it down your thighs. “I love you too—Hyuck—”

The bed was not more than twenty steps away but it was long forgotten when Donghyuck, still with his teeth ghosting across your lower lip, hastily unzipped himself and pushed his jeans and boxers lower enough for your hand to find and stroke him to life. “God, baby—” he hissed when you curled your fingers around him, hot breath caressing your jawline. “I want—I need to be inside you—just—”

No one had ever wanted you the way he did. Every kiss was nearly bruising, every hug was almost suffocating, the thrill of it all was overwhelming. 

It was almost a whine that escaped his lips when he vocalized your name. As soon as his desperate gasp and pleading moan reached your ears, the butterflies came alive in your stomach. Your skin tingled, even with the lightest brush of his lips. Your fingers found home in his hair when he kissed the valley between your breasts, tugging at his soft strands and earning a low grunt in response.

You gave him a sign, affirming that it was okay to continue and Donghyuck wasted no time. Pushing the fabric of your dress as much as he could until it pooled around your waist, he lifted one of your legs and wrapped it around his hips, one hand sliding down to prop up your thigh, the other one aligning his tip against your entrance.

The friction made you moan, both in pain and passion, as Donghyuck slid himself in one swift motion. The second he was sheathed deep inside, waiting for you to adjust to his size, he drew out a long sigh, eyes shut close as he relished the sensation. But when your gaze met, his half-lidded eyes were gentler than they had been the entire day. Careful fingers framed your face, his thumb rubbing comforting circles along your cheekbone. “Are you okay?”

You weakly nodded, smiling sheepishly. “Are you?”

His chuckles were light and bashful. “I’m feeling great,” he said. He moved his hips without warning, just a little, not too fast, not too deep, but the sensation was enough to make you whimper and Donghyuck swallowed every little noise you made directly with his lips.

A certain thrust made you squeeze around him and he drowned out his moan by mouthing against your shoulder, teeth prickling against the skin. “Fuck, do that again, baby, please.” And as he continued hitting the same spot, it was a given that you provided the same reaction.

Donghyuck was insanely good at making you feel good, and in return, you wanted to give him everything that he desired. “I love how you feel around me,” he confessed under his breath, as if he was talking to himself. “Perfect—you’re so perfect for me—”

Your arms were frantically clutching around his neck, trying to maintain stability when Donghyuck pushed you up the wall, now lifting both of your feet off the ground. He buried himself deeper, moved his hips faster, and kissed you with the desperation of a dying man.

You tried to hold back but you couldn’t. It was too much. His breathless moans in your ear, the frantic sway of his hips, the closeness of your bodies—everything was overwhelming and you came hard on his length, legs wrapping tightly around his waist as Donghyuck chased after your lips. 

“Fuck,” he breathed heavily, his jaw hung low. The way you quivered and clenched around him sent fire through his veins. “Did you just come?” he whispered and you bit your lip in shame. The tiny laugh that broke free from his lips were both playful and filled with tenderness. “Already? That was fast.”

Flustered but not given the chance to react, you inhaled sharply when Donghyuck picked up the pace. He was almost growling when his lips grazed against the shell of your ear. “Actually, me too,” he moaned, “Is it—can I come inside?”

You nodded fervently, embracing him tighter and Donghyuck buried his head in the crook of your neck, hips stuttering as he came.

When he let you slide down to your feet, your knees gave out under your weight and you stumbled back to his chest. He held you close, laughing as he kissed the top of your head. “I’m sorry, come here.” Bending down slightly, Donghyuck hooked one arm under your knees and another one behind your back. He carried you in his arms, teasing, “The sex was so good, you could barely stand, huh?”

You playfully slapped his chest. “Shut up.”

But all of his mischievousness dissipated as soon as you both slipped under the duvet, his bedsheets felt silky smooth under your spine. He cleaned the stain that dripped down your thighs with a warm towel, but dipped his head down to taste you directly with his tongue the second he was finished with it. Donghyuck’s eyes never left yours, placing gentle kisses on the inner sides of your thighs and two more on your clit before he slid his tongue along your folds, slowly, as if he had the whole time in the world to please you.

He was always gentler the second time, slower with more feelings instead of sheer passion. So when he slid himself into you again, his forehead was pressed against yours, lips curving up into an innocent smile. “I never want to let you go,” he chuckled between tiny moans. “I want to stay just like this with you, forever.”

“I don’t think it’s physically possible,” you giggled, raking your nails down his spine and he arched his back in response. 

“Wouldn’t it be great if we could stay connected like this all the time, though?” Donghyuck broke away, sitting on his heels as he rested one of your legs on his shoulder. His fingers were kneading the skin of your thigh, hugging your leg close to his chest as he rocked his hips slowly, savoring every moment. “I mean, ah, doesn’t this feel good?”

You nibbled at your lip, sighing. Good was an understatement but you weren’t sure you could find a term to perfectly define how amazing he felt around you. From where you laid on the bed, you could take a good look at Donghyuck’s eyes—the way they drooped slightly, clouded with both affection and infatuation every time they met yours. How the muscles in his abs were flexing with every movement. The sinful, obscene sway of his hips. The little smirk that broke on his face when you accidentally moaned his name too loud—Donghyuck was... Beautiful. Irresistible. Sexy. 

“Baby?” Donghyuck called, chuckling softly as he peppered open-mouthed kisses to your ankle that made you stare in a haze. “You okay down there?”

You pursed your lips. “Just enjoying the view.”

“Yeah?” He brought your leg down so he could fall back into your arms, mouth meeting your jawline before it moved to playfully bite the tip of your nose. “Well, I’ve got something else you could also enjoy.”

You hummed, trying your best to contain your moan when he suddenly brought his fingers down to rub against your clit. “And what’s that?” Though by the way he slammed his hips harder against yours served as an obvious answer.

“Some caramel pudding,” he answered, nipping against your neck as he grinned, careful enough not to leave any marks. “They’re in the fridge. You’ll love them.”

It was hard to focus when he kept hitting the spot that made you curl your toes. “Hyuck...” You pushed a loose strand of his hair behind his ear before you caressed his cheek. “I love you.”

His movements stopped, eyes peering into yours, stunned at first, then melted into something softer than the breath of summer. “I love you too.” His lips never left yours as they spoke each loving word with more sentimentality and less urgency. “And happy birthday, baby...”

When both of you had no strength left but to cuddle in each other’s arms, you gathered the courage to ask once more. “Hyuck?”

“Hmm?”

“I still want to know, after all. About what happened to you earlier. You looked so distraught—I can’t rest before I know what upsets you.”

Donghyuck’s fingers stopped momentarily from carding through your strands but with a heavy sigh, he surrendered.

It was his first relationship with his first love, back when he was sixteen. They were together for four years but knew each other for ten. She was a close friend that grew into something more. Even loving words didn’t need to be exchanged as they could practically finish each other’s thoughts. You felt a pang of jealousy gnawing at you from the inside, at the thought of him having someone so important in his life—someone who had stayed with him longer than you’d met him—someone whose name couldn’t be spoken as it triggered too many emotions.

But for the sake of understanding him, you cast your jealousy aside, no matter how much it hurt.

Donghyuck’s voice had lost its usual cheeriness when he reminisced his past. By the time they graduated high school, she decided to continue her study in Japan. Donghyuck let her go, supporting her plans and dreams like the perfect boyfriend that he was. They were committed to each other, faithful to one another. Donghyuck never doubted her, not even once.

Until one day, during a summer break, he decided to pay her a visit. He bought airplane tickets with the money he’d saved up for months, along with a thoughtful gift for her birthday. But the second he saw her opening the door to her apartment, he realized that she wasn’t alone.

She was never alone. He was.

“Why are you here?” She asked, as if his presence was a bother. Him, the man whom she claimed she’d loved with her entire soul for the last four years. The man whom she had made love to on his bed just six months earlier. Donghyuck would never forget the look she had on her face that day.

“It’s funny how you’ve been with this person your whole life,” Donghyuck breathily said, eyes locked to the ceiling. “And you thought you knew them like the back of your hand and then one day, they betrayed you in the way you thought they were incapable of doing.”

You couldn’t find your voice, blending in with the silence of the room.

But he didn’t hate her, Donghyuck confessed. He hated himself. He hated how stupid—how innocent and gullible he was. He hated how easily he let someone else carry his heart around and let them do whatever they want with it. He knew that she wouldn’t have the power to destroy him, if he didn’t give her the chance. Maybe, if his thoughts weren’t as clouded by his feelings, he would’ve noticed the little sighs she made whenever he told her he loved her. He would’ve noticed the way she sounded much brighter when she talked about her life instead of their lives together during their late-night calls. He would’ve noticed how distant she sounded whenever she spoke his name, as if it was just another meaningless word and not the one that she used to murmur in short gasps near his ear.

And maybe if I hadn’t fallen in love...

Donghyuck fell mute for a few seconds as if he was drifted to another time and space. The hurting look on his face was so vivid that it broke you just by seeing it. Attempting to wash the pain away, you placed a hand on his cheek and Donghyuck grew rigid once before he melted into smiles, leaning into your touch.

“I had to stay for a whole week in a country I didn’t know because I couldn’t refund my ticket. All alone, since my girlfriend cheated on me and didn’t even care to apologize about it,” he murmured against your palm, still sounding bitter but with more ease. “So yeah, I probably have some trust issues now because of that.” He tried to laugh it off. “But it’s all right. I don’t care. I have you now, right?” He laid on his side, facing you with a boyish smile that made your heart race just a little bit faster. “I’m starting on a new page with you. And as long as you’re here with me, I’m the happiest man in the world.”

You reflected his smile though your heart was unsettled. “You’re lame.”

“Excuse me, I’m in love,” he corrected, pouting. But when his hand found yours, his expression grew tender again. Kissing each of your fingertips, he murmured, “We’ll always be together, right? Promise you won’t do that to me, ‘cause I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

He knew what loving you could cost him, but you were different. And he was different. He wouldn’t fall into the same trap. He knew how to protect himself this time. So he allowed himself to love you just as much, if not more, moving on but never forget.

Your eyes were focusing on the way he brought your index finger between his lips, the tip pressing against his hot tongue. “Yes,” you softly whispered, hooking a finger around his silver necklace, pulling him in for a kiss. “We’ll always be together.”

So when you received a job promotion a year later, you didn’t know what to say to him. It was your dream job, finally achieving that position after practically hanging on for dear life for five years working in the company. The salary exceeded your expectation, and you would be working under a senior that you admired. The company would pay for all your living expenses, give you your own flat to live with a balcony where you could see the sun rising behind the skyscrapers. It all sounded so perfect. Too perfect.

Except for the part where you had to move to another country that stood three thousand miles from where he was.

You knew you should’ve said something to Donghyuck the first time your director broke the news to you. But you couldn’t as you didn’t know how. During the three years of your relationship, both of you had avoided talking about matters that could lead to fights, only allowing yourselves to discuss trivial, daily things that would make the other pout in annoyance but not fury. The first time you noticed this happened, was when both of you became too busy dealing with your own lives. You had your job to think about, while Donghyuck had his thesis to work on and there wasn’t much time to focus on each other even when you were staying in the same room.

Donghyuck often released his stress by nuzzling his nose against your neck, pulling you into his lap, whispering, “I miss you,” and you reciprocated each time with a kiss but you both stopped before it got too much, with you patting his cheek, apologizing to him with both words and your eyes, “I’m sorry, but I have a Zoom meeting in an hour so I really need to get my presentation done.”

He just sighed, pressing a tiny kiss between your eyebrows. “Well then, I’m gonna go catch some sleep. Don’t work too hard.”

And as he walked to the bedroom, closing the door behind him, leaving you alone in his living room, you realized the distance that grew between you. He used to look back, peeking his head through the door, saying, “Would it really kill you to just join me for, like, fifteen minutes? I’ll be fast, I swear,” which you would answer with a laugh, assuming he was joking. “Why are you laughing? I’m serious!”

Now, he doesn’t even stop to say good night.

You knew you could fix it—he knew he could fix it too—but none of you ever said anything about it, afraid that it would trigger something bigger that neither of you wouldn’t be able to fix.

It didn’t mean that you didn’t try. Every weekend, you would commit yourself fully for him and Donghyuck would accept your unspoken apology with all his heart. You once attempted to drop some clues about your promotion during dinner when he made you your favorite dish, grinning from ear-to-ear as he waited for your reaction. Donghyuck’s Spaghetti Aglio e olio never disappointed you, but you know your words would. So when he was smiling at you, his thumb gliding along your knuckles as he took your hand in his, how could you tell him? 

I just need more time to prepare myself. To find a better way to explain.

But before you could find your words, Donghyuck found your promotion letter.

“What is this?” He asked to your horror, body leaning against the doorframe, your letter in his hand.

The maroon dress you were trying to fold fell from your lap as you stood up abruptly, eyes widening in shock. “That’s—where did you get—”

“What is this?”

“It’s...” You trembled. “My promotion letter.”

“Are you planning to tell me about it?” He wasn’t shouting, didn’t even raise his voice, but to your ears, his voice was thunderous.  

You fidgeted, fingers fisting the hemline of your shirt, desperate for comfort. “Of course, I—” But there were no words. Your brain was too jumbled to find a proper excuse. So when Donghyuck just lowered his gaze, eyes growing colder, and left the room, you could only call out his name.

He only stopped in his tracks when you grasped his wrist. “Did you say yes to this?” His voice was quiet, eerily so, that it sent shivers down your spine.

You nibbled at your bottom lip. “I was—”

“Yes or no?”

He only allowed you to choose, not explain. With a deep breath, you mumbled out, “Yes.”

There was a moment of silence where you could only hear your stuttered breathing but none of his. “Three months,” he murmured, voice deep and hoarse that you barely recognized it. “The letter is three months old. You had all this time to tell me.”

Panic was bubbling up your chest. “I was going to tell you but—”

The rest of your words died instantly the second Donghyuck slammed the letter on the dining table. Without another word, he stomped off to the front door, grabbing his coat.

“Wait!” You chased after his trails, knees wobbling. “Where are you—”

The door was shut close with a bang.

No matter how many times you tried to call him, he never answered. The only thing you could do was stay in his apartment and waited until he came back to his senses. Now that you were alone in the living room, you began to notice just how much of your belongings were positioned in every corner of his apartment. Your toothbrush was next to his, your clothes were hanging inside his wardrobe, your favorite books were on his shelf, and the walls were painted with more photographs of you than his own. In every picture, you could see yourself smiling in his arms, laughing at something he did or said because that was it, wasn’t it? Donghyuck was the only one who could make you smile so freely, without a care in the world.

So why are we in this position?

It was your first big fight and you had no one to blame but yourself. Hours had passed by and tears began to well from how frustrated you were with yourself, but the front door flung open before they could outline your cheeks.

“Hyuck,” you called out, heart breaking at the sound of his name. Donghyuck’s hair was ruffled by the wind, his nose and cheeks reddening from the cold night air. His hands were in his coat’s pockets, his eyes hiding behind his bangs as he kicked his shoes away. He walked past you as if you weren’t there, heading straight to the bedroom.

Judging from the scent and his droopy eyes, you knew he had been drinking. “Are you okay?”

No answer. He took his coat off, throwing it to the bed, along with his phone—which was clearly functional as always. You had expected him to dismiss your calls, but it still hurt being ignored.

Eyebrows knitting in concern, you went to the kitchen to make him a cup of coffee, hoping that a little caffeine would ease the tension as it was something you were both fond of. You stopped to catch your breath, noticing that it was one in the morning.

What should I do?

“Hyuck…” You carefully said, voice quieter than usual as you walked into the bedroom and closed the door behind you. “I’ve made you some coffee. It’ll help warm you up.”

Donghyuck was sitting at the edge of the bed, his phone in his hands, blatantly ignoring you.

“Can we…” You hesitated, fingers curling into tiny balls of fists. “Can we talk..?”

But the silence was deafening.

“Hyuck—”

“What?!” He suddenly roared, making you take a step back, flinching. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I…” You swallowed your breath. “I know you’re upset about me leaving and I’m sorry—”

“Oh, so now you want to talk about this? After I found out about your letter?” Donghyuck didn’t wait for your response. “I can’t believe you’ve been keeping this a secret from me! What else are you not telling me?”

Heart dropping to the stomach, you weakly replied, “Nothing, just... I was going to tell you—”

“Yeah? When, exactly?” Donghyuck stood up, throwing his phone to the bed. “When you’re about to go? When you’re about to disappear from my life just like her?”

Being put in the same position as the person who tore his heart to pieces was both sickening and infuriating. “Of course not, I won’t do that to you! I won’t leave you—”

“But that’s all that everybody fucking said!” He threw his hands in the air. “That’s what she said when—”

“Well, I’m not her!” The booming sound of your voice startled you both, but it grew weak in comparison when the eerie silence followed. “Hyuck, you can’t blame me for what she did. I’m not her. I’m not her replacement. Don’t compare me with her.”

For a moment, Donghyuck’s lips were pressed tightly until they grew white. “I never compared you with her,” he said through gritted teeth. “Not until now when you’re doing the same thing, saying the exact same thing to me.”

You cowered slightly under his gaze. The sound of the ticking clock had never felt so loud when you fought for words to say. “It’s my dream job, Hyuck. I’ve been waiting all my life to get this position.”

“Congratulations.” He scoffed, clenching his jaw. “I’m so glad you get what you wanted.”

“You don’t have to force yourself to say words you don’t mean.”

He clicked his tongue in vexation. “Yeah, well, I would’ve meant them, if you had told me about this sooner.”

“I wasn’t able to tell you because I thought you’d be upset about it—”

“Well, I suppose, postponing it until we’re counting days till your leave is going to make me feel fucking elated, isn’t that right, Sweetheart?” There had never been a day where you thought his adorable, warm laughter could turn into something so spiteful. “Let me guess. You’re leaving in like, what, a month?”

You rubbed your tears away before they fell. “Six weeks.”

“Oh, that makes everything so much better! Six weeks!” He cynically laughed, throwing his head back. “You know what? You’re right. I’m so happy. Never been this fucking happy in my whole goddamn life—”

“What do you want me to do?!” The frustration that welled inside your chest finally broke through your lips. “You want me to turn back time so I could tell you right after I heard the news three months ago?”

Donghyuck averted his gaze, his hand going to his head, pulling at his hair roots. “I just don’t understand why if this is so important to you—and if I’m so important to you—why don’t you talk this out with me? Don’t you care about what I think? About how I’d feel?”

Tears were running faster than you could wipe them off your cheeks. “I couldn’t find the right time to tell you.” You choked out. “ And you were busy working on your final thesis too, I didn’t want to bother you—”

“That’s your excuse?!” he gasped in disbelief. “I don’t fucking care about my thesis. I care about you! And you knew how I felt about this—about being in a long-distance relationship—"

“That was the reason why I was waiting for the right time until—“

“Until you can tell me that you’re leaving.” He sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose. “Look, I’m tired and we’re going in circles. Why are we even discussing this when you’ve made the decision all by yourself.”

Embittered, you asked, “Do you want me to choose between you and my career?”

“No. I don’t.” He finally peered into your eyes, and you could see how there was not as much anger as sadness that emerged in his eyes. “But I’m making my own decision.” When you frowned in confusion, Donghyuck looked away, staring at the wall that was filled with memories as he spoke. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

“What?” It felt like the world was swallowing you whole. “What did you say?”

Exchanging stares with you, Donghyuck appeared more weary than furious. “I just don’t see how this is going to work.”

“You’re drunk.” You reasoned out, both in efforts to calm him down and to wash the fear away from your chest. “You won’t be saying any of this if you were sober.”

Donghyuck’s eyes grew colder. “If that’s what makes you sleep at night, sure. Go ahead and think that way.”

Dread was coursing through your veins, making you feel terrified of what was coming. “Wait,” you almost pleaded, “We need to talk about this.”

“I think we’ve talked enough.”

“Can’t we at least try—”

“I can’t.” The confession escaped his lips, his eyes were heartbroken, as if it was you who was breaking up with him and not the other way around. “You know I can’t do this. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes. I don’t want to be that guy who constantly gets suspicious or overly protective of you because of my past. It won’t be fair to you.”

“I don’t care if you’re being unfair,” you replied shakily, “I just don’t want us to end what we have now.”

“I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice grew softer. “If we continue this, I know I’ll end up saying things I never mean to say. With three thousand miles between us, how often do you think we can see each other? With you being so busy with your new job, how often can we speak?” But the bitterness in his voice came alive when he added, “We could barely do that when we were in the same room before.”

“It’s about that..?” Realization washed over you like a wave. “Why didn’t you say anything before?”

“Same reason as you,” he replied, “To protect our relationship. That’s what we always do, isn’t it? Pretending everything is fine when it’s not?”

“Hyuck, I’ve tried my best to spend time with you... I thought you’d understand that I have a job—”

“You’re right, but unlike you, I don’t.” Donghyuck weakly smiled. “I don’t have anything going on with my life except you. I don’t even know if I can graduate in time. But you’ve achieved so much. You’re only a few years older than me and yet you’ve already had everything figured out, and I admire you for that.” His words sounded sincere but it only tore your heart open even more. Donghyuck walked closer, his fingers pushing the bangs out of your eyes like the way he used to do but it didn’t feel the same. “You’re already perfect the way you are now. You don’t need me in your life.”

“No.” The desperation was so thick in your voice, that it made you wince but not regret. “You’re wrong, you—There’s not a day where I don’t need you, Hyuck. I want you to stay with me. Come with me. We still have time.”

You don’t mean that. Donghyuck brought his head down, unable to meet your eyes. If you did, you would’ve told me about this sooner. “And then what?” he sighed, sounding so tired. “What am I going to do if I come with you? I haven’t even finished my study, let alone having a job.”

“You can find one in—”

“In a country where I can’t even speak the language?” He bitterly smiled. “I doubt it. I’m not gonna let you pay for my needs—”

“Then, I’ll make some time for you, I promise. Better this time.” Your fingernails were sinking into your palms from how tightly you curled them. “No matter how far we are from each other, I’ll call you every day.”

“I don’t want that.” His words were laced with frustration. “I don’t want you to force yourself to do something for me. And I don’t want to spend my nights imagining whether you’re spending yours with someone else.”

“You...” You were so quiet, you wondered if he could hear you properly. “You don’t trust me?”

But Donghyuck shook his head, gaze softening. “I do. I just don’t trust myself.”

Your mind turned into a blank slate, unable to form a word. Donghyuck’s breathing tattered a little when he exhaled, walking to his wardrobe to pick out some clothes. “I’m gonna go stay at Mark’s for the weekend. Feel free to take out your stuff. Just drop the keys at the lobby when you’re finished.”

You stood still, frozen. It almost felt like a heart attack from the way your heart was hammering against your ribcages. “I don’t want to lose you, Hyuck,” you quietly professed, “I thought we could work this out...”

Donghyuck’s movements were put to a halt, just for a couple of seconds, before he continued shoving his clothes down his bag.

You stood on the side as he walked past you, his natural sandalwood scent had disappeared, buried under the amount of alcohol he’d consumed. “So, this is it…?” You fretted. “For us..?”

Donghyuck stopped walking, glancing at you from over his shoulder. “It’s better for both of us, don’t you think?”

But he didn’t wait to hear your answer.

When you dared to appear at his front door six weeks later, it was the night before your departure. He hadn’t called, hadn’t sent you a single text, as if he was a ghost, only living in your imagination. But knowing it was your last chance to see him, you decided to take the first step.

Donghyuck was wearing the same navy blue knitted sweater that he wore the first time you told him you loved him. You remembered how startled he was back then, unsure of what to say as he was afraid to love someone else after knowing how it felt to have his heart shattered to pieces. That time, he only responded with a hug and a small “Thank you.” As you laid in his arms later that night, you spent every second with your eyes closed but your thoughts awake, trying to figure out why won’t he say it back? 

But when you left for work early on the next morning, one arm holding an umbrella over your head to protect you from the morning showers, Donghyuck was chasing after you in the same knitted sweater, his hair messy from sleep but soon be drenched by the rain.

“I love you too!” he shouted, breathlessly, both from running and the rush of adrenaline that pumped through his veins.

You turned around, eyes wide in astonishment, though you didn’t catch his words. “What—” You were about to run so you could shelter him from the rain, but Donghyuck reached your spot faster than you could reach his. “What are you doing? Why didn’t you take an umbrella with you?” You dropped your handbag to the ground, not caring if it got wet from the rain as you focused more on the man who was shivering in front of you. You rubbed his arm up and down before cupping his face. “You’re shivering.”

“I’m fine. I just have something to say before you go.” He broke into a tender smile, pressing his palm against the back of your hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t say it back last night. I was afraid. Being in love with someone means you’re giving your heart for them to hold or to crush and I didn’t want to go through that pain again but—” He stepped closer, his temple nearly touching yours as he brought his head down. “I love you. I want you to know that I love you too. I don’t want to lie to myself anymore and I don’t care what’s gonna happen in the future. I just love you, so much, that both my heart and my head feel like they’re going to burst.”

And you could only stare, dumbstruck and in awe.

“Say something, please?” He begged, cold fingers caressing your cheek. “Otherwise, I might have to crawl into a hole and die from shame.”

You chuckled lightly, overwhelmed by the sheer happiness that washed over you. “I love you too.”

He seemed so relieved, almost as much as you were, and he twisted his fingers around your strands, chasing after your lips. The kiss was sweeter than honey but knowing him, even the sweetest kiss emitted so much passion, it left you breathless.

“I’m sorry, I know you gotta go to work,” he said, slightly pushing you away before his emotions defeated him once more and he slanted his lips against yours in a more frenzied manner. “God, I know you have to go,” he whispered between needy kisses. “But just—one more—”

When he finally had the strength to break apart from you, his eyes were conflicted, his thumb caressing your cheek, and Donghyuck wetted his already glistened lip as he stared at yours. “Must you go? I want to be with you today.”

It didn’t matter that the two of you just spent the entire weekend together. No amount of time would be enough to satisfy your needs for each other’s touch. So you answered him with your lips meeting his in a frantic kiss, casting your umbrella aside and it didn’t matter that it was cold, with big droplets of rain easily drenching you from head to toe, because Donghyuck was always ready to warm you up. 

“Then take me home, Lee Donghyuck.”

But you realized as he tugged you back into his arms, soft lips pressing against your temple, you were already home.

Now… That memory felt like a fantasy, one that you could only dream of having.

“I…” You couldn’t meet his eyes. “I just wanted to get the books I left on your shelf.”

He didn’t say a word, only stepping to the side to give you some space to enter. A month had passed by since he broke up with you, and his apartment still smelled delightfully like him, but instead of making you feel joy, it broke your heart even harder.  

“It’s in my room,” he said, all stern with no warmth like he used to have. You nodded, making your way to his bedroom. When you closed the bedroom door behind you, hot tears were about to spill and you tried your best not to be suffocated with the memories of the nights where you used to share your feelings with him, bodies tangled underneath the sheets, lips carving marks on each other’s skins.

You couldn’t breathe.

By the time you managed to collect yourself, you came out of his room with two of your books in your hands while you left ten more on his shelf. You didn’t need any of them. It was only a poor excuse for you to see his eyes once more before you bid your final farewell.

“I made you some coffee,” he said, leaning against the coffee table. “It’s cold outside so…”

You weakly smiled. “Thank you.”

You used to spend hours chattering behind a few cups of coffee, talking about the things that mattered and things that didn’t because everything felt special when you shared them with someone you loved.

But today, every sip of your coffee sounded louder than your voice as no words were shared.

You said you care

And you missed me too

And I'm well aware I write too many songs about you

“How are you?”

“I’m doing great,” he answered formally. It’s funny how he didn’t need spiteful words to hurt you. The absence of his affection in his sentences was more than enough to strangle you.

“Are you… still writing lyrics for Mark’s songs these days?”

“No. I’m busy these days.”

“Oh… With your thesis?”

“Sure.”

Donghyuck didn’t tell you the truth. Didn’t tell you how many papers had been written, scratched, discarded just so he could deal with the thoughts of you. Didn’t tell you the words he wrote about your pretty eyes, your pretty smiles, your kindness, your passion, your everything.

The reason why he let you go was because he knew, you would probably stay with him if he’d asked the question. He didn’t want you to have any regrets. Didn’t want you to choose him because you felt like you had no other way.

It felt like you betrayed him when you kept it a secret for months.

What else will you keep from me, if you can’t even tell me you’re leaving? Will you keep it a secret when you no longer love me the way you used to? Will you keep it a secret when you find someone new, someone better, someone who can stay to wipe your tears and hold you in their arms while I’m three thousand miles away from you? Will you pretend like everything is fine, when we’re straying further away from each other every day?

In Donghyuck’s mind, he thought you’d be better on your own. At such a young age, you managed to chase after your dreams while he was still unsure of what he wanted to have in the future. To him, you were always a step ahead. And tomorrow, you’d be taking your first step to another place where he wouldn’t have the strength to follow. 

His thoughts about you were never-ending. And he wrote so much, poured every feeling down to papers, that now as you stood before him in person, there were no more words left to be said and he could only reply your sentences with silence.

And the coffee's out

At the Beachwood Cafe

And it kills me 'cause I know we've run out of things we can say

“I’ll be leaving tomorrow,” you eventually said and Donghyuck glanced at you from behind his bangs, but never stayed for a second longer.

He knew. Of course, he did. He had been counting the days, dreading every second of it. “Take care of yourself,” he responded in a way a stranger would say to another stranger at the end of their brief meeting. “Good luck with your job. I’m sure you’ll be fine, Noona.”

Noona... He didn’t even want to call you by your name or the sweet terms he’d once associated with you. You were truly strangers now.

“Thanks.” You forced yourself to smile, nails sinking into your thighs as you brought your hands to your lap. “You too. Don’t forget to take your breakfast every day. You always skip it.”

It was your job to remind him, who used to serve fried eggs and toasts on his plate and maybe Donghyuck remembered that too because he brought his head down, and simply replied with a hum.

When you took your leave, you handed him a note to your new address. “Just… Come visit whenever you’re in the country. I’d love to show you around.” It sickened you how formal you sounded, but you couldn’t say it any other way.

When Donghyuck took the note, your fingers brushed against his, it almost seemed like the time stopped, just for a little, and he wanted to pull you into his embrace, to tell you how much he’d been missing you the same way you’d been missing him. To tell you how much he wanted to be selfish, to have you choose him over everything in your life because that was how you meant to him. You were everything to him.

Just like how you are to me.

So when he dropped his hand, tucking it inside his pocket, you knew it was really over. Finally, the word goodbye took its true form.

And I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again.